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Published in: on January 21, 2011 at 10:37 am  Leave a Comment  

My Kidney Stone Diary

 

10 am Monday

Something I ate….could be  the raw horse intestines, is making me feel like I am about to give birth to a baby walrus….or a full grown one. 

Whatever it is , its indigestible  even by my low standards. 

Regards

CrampMa Moses

 ******************************************************

 11am

just figured out its another kidney stone that’s making me so happy today so I just took a Vicodin and that’ll be that until it passes. 

 My second kidney stone  in my lifetime , if I’m correct, and they are really fun. You should try it…… but it only manifests itself as pain and the vicodin takes care of that. 

 Hopefully I won’t miss my square dance club this afternoon. 

Anyways, I’m tough…..MOMMY !!!!! 

Nah, I’ll be fine … my tinkler is trying to pee but just dribbling…..other symptoms include …..I feel like somebody put a running dentists drill into my side then went off to choir practice ,  I can no longer speak Chechnyan plus I see dead people. 

 But I figure it could be worse. I could be married to Michelle Bachman

.In even worse news, the only place I feel good , in any position, is sitting at my desk. Standing and lying down hurts. Sitting upright (odd position) seems fine.

  I just also put in a call to my urologist whose name, so help me, is’ Wong’  and the call went through even though its the Wong number …………………..and I am waiting to hear back from them so they can tell me:

1. drink lots of cranberry  juice

2. call us when you pass the stone

3. until then take the vicodin

4. that’ll be $350.00

In the meantime, I should lose some weight since the thought if ingesting food currently repels me….and just like that ( snap fingers) there goes the farm economy 

*******************

 3pm

Thank you for signing up for minute by minute updates:

  Dr Wong’s office just called ( Solly, Wong Number”) and scheduled an apponitment for Weds at 2 pm saying that “ its no emergency, but if the pain gets excrutuiating ( for Jewish men , that’s anything above a splinter) come over here during business hours or go to the ER if after hours and  we’ll er uh, well,  I don’t know what in hell we’ll do but we’ll do something, but obviously since you’re not screaming like a maniac like your toes were just amputated by a power mower  , you’re Ok so Weds seems fine and keep drinking juice  and taking Vicodin and if you get the chills ( I immediately got the chills) , take Tylenol. “

 We thank you for your subscription

The Boston Globe

**********************************

 KIDNEY UPDATE 3 PM

A moving van just pulled up outside and the kidney stone greeted it which I assume indicates that the stone is moving…while Cranberry farmers await the next juice order 

I have checked my never ending tinkles and so far I see neither hide nor hair of the little munchkin which I hope to sight drifting like a raft of calcium on a sea of pee-pee dingle juice, as the unlicensed Dr Wong likes to call it.

 In other news, Vicodin works . God bless Latino street corner pharma…job well done.  Right now I’m feeling pretty damn good  and heading down the basement to work with my power tools and finally start the large wooden power boat I look forward to building and then maybe take down the large Oak tree on the lawn with the chain saw.  

Regards

Noarm

 KIDNEY UPDATE 5:30 PM 

I suffer in silence.

 While others may feel the need to share their heartbreaking stories of dis-comfort , I choose to suffer stoicly thinking about how such pain is just part of the human condition  and how easy it is to cut the cat in half with a chain saw when using Vicodin.

 So once again, I’ll postpone the wooden boat project and the good news is that Super Glue works and I don’t think CJ will even notice the cat thingie.

Published in: on November 9, 2010 at 8:53 am  Comments (1)  
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YOU’RE DOING FINE , OKLAHOMA.

  
 
As you may or may not know , on election day just one week ago, wise Oklahomans smartly voted  YES to prohibit Islamic Sharia Law from ever superceding the laws of their Great State of Oklahoma ……where , thanks to those voters , it is now ensured that only the wind, not crazed Imams, will come ‘whipping’ down the plains to bother the inhabitants.
 
 
And its working!
 I am happy to report that on Sunday when The Celtics
 
 
  beat The Oklahoma City Thunder ( aka the former Seattle SuperSonics) in Oklahoma City….  the NBA refs , following the new  Oklahoma law, did not use Islamic Sharia Law even once to enforce any NBA rules, although Thunder players did play like they were stoned .
 
 
As Stephen Colbert said, Since election Day, thanks to Oklahoma voters, the state  now also prohibits cats from piloting airplanes for the major airlines
 
and Webennezer notes that ,
 

 “It is now also illegal to play professional baseball in Oklahoma  if you are a potato”.

Football keeps interrupting the Commercials

First of all, audience, I have been very busy  as my business is exploding upwards, not inwards, hence I haven’t time to write this blog, so,  to all two of you, I thank you for your concern.

 

Watching football yesterday…well, actually I watched the commercials which they kept interrupting for short snippets of NFL football….. these two ads come to mind and I may add them to my Fantasy Advertising League card.

 

1. Burger King now serves breakfast which I guess is a big deal if you’re feeling the need to vomit early in the day …. and the drug store is out of Ipecac.

.

To entice you into their stores for breakfast, their never-ending TV ad campaign consists of an very homely , ugly, gawky, awkward , stupid looking moax  playing the flute enticing you, like a call to arms for the Redcoats of 1778, into the store.

Kind of like The Pied Piper enticing the rats in Hamelin…to Burger King for breakfast. Hmmmm. Yeah, I’m there.

The BK guy is so ugly you can almost smell him and why he would be so excited over this tiny bowl of food is beyond me. Well, beats masturbating, I guess…plus he gets fresh air, a little walk.  I’d never go anywhere on this flute-playing dork’s recommendation.

Whatever happened to  average or better-than -average looking  people; folks like me,  endorsing products……. particularly food. It’s like having a leper endorsing bran flakes..

2. Speaking of Redcoats 

explain to me why during the Colts-Chiefs game yesterday, they kept playing the same Ford commercial, sometimes twice per break,. You know which one….The Redcoats suddenly being attacked  by a Ford Truck driving ‘George Washington’ because , as the ad says, America got two things right, Cars and Freedom“.

I understand that Dick Cheney is protesting the ad, ‘Yeah, they make good trucks, but what’s this freedom bullshit?”

Tonight The Vikings play The Jets in between commercials  and I am looking forward to finding out if any more white people follow The Pied Piper of Burger King  to his lair. Maybe once they do, we’ll be rid of them all come the dawn.

Published in: on October 11, 2010 at 9:12 am  Leave a Comment  
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Jurassic Salmon

In Waltham , Massachusetts, nicknamed “The Watch City” because it’s major industry when it had industry  was “watch and timepiece manufacturing”, there’s a company called  “AQUA BOUNTY”, not to be mixed up with Aqua Velva, though in the end, their products may taste alike

 


Aqua Bounty has genetically engineered a gigantic salmon nicknamed,” Frankenfish”  ….. and it is causing an uproar because it just ate downtown Waltham.


 No ,it didn’t.  I’m just joshin’ you.

“Frank” was just approved by the FDA which declared that the  fish was safe to eat.
 
Interesting because ‘Frank’ , the giant salmon that ate Waltham, was declared safe to eat as a drug, not as a food…as it was The FDA’s Veterinary Medicine Advisory Committee that oversaw the hearings. 

In other words, ,enjoy it with a delicious glass of Frontline.
 

‘Frank’, in all fairness, answers several needs ; the most important being  that it allows us to never run out of salmon … which is important for my bagel.
 
 
 It should be noted that all things change over time.
 
For example,  bagel manufacturers  now use a machine to make the hole as opposed to using a well hung moyel; another modern improvement on an “ages old” tradition.

Now they’re changing the fish!
 
The giant salmon , we’re told, are bred to be sterile, but a certain percentage are not …  which means if they ever get loose they’ll eat all the other fish , and then probably turn against us, create pens for us, and start serving us in “Salmon Only” restaurants as ‘Human Almondine’.

And how fucking embarassing will it be to go swimming and be eaten by a giant salmon.
 

Not to worry, they’ll fuck this up somewhere along the line,  even though I honestly believe Aqua Bounty has no intention of doing that. 
 
They call it “Chaos Theory”
 
Remember that the scientist played by  Richard Attenbourough in “Jurassic Park” only bred females too, ahem

 

Well, at least  he got a three movie deal with Spielberg.

Tom Brady’s Best Buddies

Last week, Patriot’s quarterback Tom Brady was in an auto accident in Boston’s Back Bay near to where he lives.

 The other guy ,it seems, ran a red light and a man in that car (not the driver) was quite seriously injured, but is recovering .

The driver was simply lynched by the crowd . 

 

  Brady was OK and worked out fully in practice later that day.

The lynching site is now part of the Boston Duck Tour of Back Bay 

 and described by the ‘comically oriented’ driver/tour guides as ‘Wow, talk about a dangling participle….there’s the guy who hit Brady who,  like Mozart after death, is now  ‘de-composing”.

 

Always gets a big Boston laugh as the flashbulbs go off!

 Had Jesus himself been seen strolling down Newbury Street at the same time, it would have gotten less coverage on the local news than Brady’s accident received.

  It was nauseating, particularly  the  story which popped on The Globe’s front page the next day indicating that the family of the  man who was hurt in the other car felt that he wasn’t getting enough press attention .

  Huh??  HELLLO !!!!!!!  As the  titillating headline may have read

 EXTREE EXTREE READ ALL ABOUT IT.

“Nobody you know recovering in local hospital” .

 

But the most significant item was this …..

 .Brady , it turns out was driving a $97,000.00 Audi, a gift to him from a “non-profit’ he supports called ‘ Best Buddies’.

 

Seems that there be quite a bit of profit in non–profit as noted by their most recent fund-raising campaign ;

” WOULD YOU LET TOM BRADY DRIVE IN JUST  A $90,000.00 CAR? 

NO FUCKING WAY. GIVE GENEROUSLY “

 From their website : Best Buddies is a nonprofit 501(c)(3) organization dedicated to establishing a global volunteer movement that creates opportunities for one-to-one friendships, integrated employment and leadership development for people with intellectual and developmental disabilities (IDD).

 and it is also noted on the website that

Audi is the official car of Best Buddies 

which is important because I can’t imagine a developmentally challenged person not owning one.

 And tell me how bad the taste is in your mouth is when you see Brady , who is worth zillions….. and whose wife is worth zillions more…. driving around in a free car worth almost $100,000.00 given to him free by a charity asking the public for money

 

Here’s an idea, raffle off the God- damn car, have Brady sign it and give the now $150,000.00 car  to the cause.

 What a crock of crap. I don’t give to any charity anymore.

The Brady car is one good  reason why!

“Lasell”-out: report on academia

 Considering that my last blog was about colleges,here’s more news concerning those  noble institutions of higher learning.

 

 After an investigation by the Commonwealth , Lasell College, a small college in Newton MA, has to return $191,000.00 to students because their stinking , rotten admissions/financial aid  department accepted gifts from Citizen’s Bank  from 2003 to 2007  and, in return,  told students that they HAD TO borrow money through CITIZEN’S BANK  even though other lenders were  offering lower rates.

  And, as part of their new ethics curriculum and in their never-ending attempt to show their students what the ‘real world’ is like, Lasell hasn’t fired a single member of their admissions/financial aid  department.

 In response to a question as to why they haven’t been canned, Lasell administration said, “Go fuck yourself. We’re academia.”

 So I went to their website to investigate .

  Here’s a quote from the website ” Each of the nearly 1600 students, and the numerous faculty, staff, and alumni undoubtedly has a different answer to “Why Lasell?”, but they share the conviction that the College is an exciting place to learn, teach, discover your passions, and prepare yourself for future success. We invite you to read on to discover how current students, alumni, parents, and faculty answer the question “Why Lasell?”

  In my own investigation I went to Lasell and asked one of the students on  their diverse campus; a student named Osama Capone  , “Why Lasell? ” to find out for myself

and he answered,

” Dude,  My passion  is to get what I can when I can and so I think that Lasell is perfect for today’s society as it  prepares students like me  for a world where pretty much everyone in business is an untrustworthy douchebag who’ll stab you in the back whenever possible. I plan to do that too.

  Personally, while working as an intern in our ‘admissions and financial aid department’ I’ve learned that if  I kiss enough ass, like our admissions/financial aid department did, I probably won’t even be fired. Did I mention , by the way, how the administration here is such a caring bunch of individuals? They’re terrific. That’s why I, as an intern in the financial aid department, smoke $6.00 cigars , get lots of free blow jobs from whores and eat a lot of steak. And I’m only a sophomore . That’s ‘Why Lasell? ‘ for me”

 After college, Osama hopes to work for The Bank of Kabul. 

The College Season begins

I write this on the behalf of “The Oppressed” , America’s college professors.

  According to The Chronicle of Higher Education”, not to be mixed up with “High Times”, “Faculty members in the University of North Texas’ College of Public Affairs and Community Service have new work rules this year. They are required to spend at least four hours a day, four days a week on campus, on top of the time they spend in the classroom, under a policy adopted last week.”

 

 This is an unspeakable tragedy, not so different from Asian 4 year olds making your sneakers for 2 cents an hour. Be concerned , please!.

Why be concerned ? Because, yes, I am a college graduate. I have a Masters Degree. Hence I have taken some unpaid  time to research the impact of such a policy and this means that those poor oppressed professors will be on campus an additional 16 hours a week.

I think?

 I only got a D in the basic math course I had to take., let’s see 4 hours a day x 4 days equals….well, it was basic math

This tragic turn of events  already has some of the professors upset. “Shahla Ala’i-Rosales, an associate professor of behavior analysis who studies early intervention for children with autism, said she and most of her colleagues already spend more than 16 hours on campus. She worries, though, that the new requirement doesn’t allow enough scheduling flexibility for researchers like herself, who spend much of their time doing research in the community.”

 And who on her home planet could blame her for bitching.

Not me .I can’t blame the professors for grumbling. I mean , you can’t have work interfering with the time you’re paid for, can you? .

 Oh wait…. she isn’t a researcher ! She’s a professor, an educator, a teacher…and with 86% of the students at this school  being undergraduates, they need face time with their professors as opposed to the professors using the time to research.

 Here’s an idea. Stay late and research on your own time .

 Maybe if you do, you can come up with a really good  marketing plan for your school , like Drake University did, and they’ll reward you with less time on campus.

 

 Drake started a new marketing program to lure students to their web and since Drake starts with a ‘D’, they named their new major marketing program “D+”.

 That should lure in the elite.

 This is like a marketing campaign for laxative saying “Tastes Like Shit” .

 

 Might I suggest that, should you go to Drake, don’t major in Marketing.

A Penny for your Thoughts

“Out of the clear blue of the Western sky, it’s Sky King……..

 
 
And here are my thoughts, circa 1954 ……I’d like to get a peek up the cowgirl skirt of Sky King’s gorgeaus, blond,wide eyed , cowgirl niece, Penny, as played by GLORIA WINTERS, in the show about the flying, ‘modern day’ rancher “SKY KING” ( played by Kirby Grant) and his plane , “The Songbird” ( played by A. Cessna Aircraft).
 
 
Actually it was a Cessna 310 which, to this day,  is a model  nicknamed “The Songbird” by aviators.
 
  
Here’s “Penny”..ain’t she somethin’?
 
 
 
I am sad to announce , that well into her eighties , “Penny” died last week . She was not wearing her cowgirl skirt at the time. I understand that it was more of a ‘schmata’ housedress when she finally went to that great landing strip in the sky.
 
 Ms. Winters also was the first to play “Babs” , Rileys daughter, when The Life of Riley first came onto TV.. …….    when Riley was played by a very mis-cast Jackie Gleason.
  
The more famous and much much better  William Bendix “Riley” came later.

I just found out that Sky’s official first name was “Schuyler”, hence Penny always calling him “Uncle Sky”  meant more than just a referral to his adventures in the Western Wild Blue……Yonder, pardner
 
The only cowgirl worth her salt, looks-wise,  against pretty Penny was “Annie Oakley” as played by Gail Davis.
 
‘Penny’ remains one of the main reasons that I married a shickseh.
 
I’m still married to my land-bound “Penny”…..but times have changed.
 
Today, if Uncle Sky were buzzing the bad guys like he did on the fifties , he’d be sued for noise pollution and disturbing the cows, not to mention violating the civil rights of the baddies.
 
And , anyway, I don’t think the sky is so clear anymore plus my wife never wears her cowgirl outfit anymore either .
 
 

The Ink is Black. The Page is White.


 I rented the old Amos and Andy show from TV via Netflix and watched Episodes 1 and 2 .

 In Episode 1, Kingfish (aka George Stevens)  is trying to marry off his mother in law so he arranges  a makeover for her at Madame Olga’s Salon.

 Madame Olga: Mr. Stevens,  you seem to think this will be a very tough job, why?

 Kingfish:(very slowly) Uhh, tell me dere, Madame Olga, has you ever seen a grapefruit dats been washed up on de beach and been layin’ dere for a week, all covered wif sand and seaweed and getting drier and more wrinked by de minute.

 Madame Olga: Yes I have.

Kingfish: Well, if you can makes her look dat good, I’d be most appreciative.

 

 In the other episode  , he ‘sells’ Andy to a company for a $200.00 employment agency fee  to dig ditches in Saudi Arabia and walks him onto  the ship……. trying to convince him that  its a cruise line:

 Andy : Tell me Kingfish , why they have all these shovels on board?

 Kingfish: Andy, you never been on a cruise ship befo , has you? They fo’ the deck game of  “shovelboard.”

 Please note the way I wrote it with the over-kill “Negro dialect” which is the exact way it was performed…which is what made it absolutely  despicable .

Which begs the question, how come I was screaming laughing the whole time.

Wait, I know, I’m  white,

Yep, just checked again…I’m still white.

Ahh, white people. 

It turns out that The  “Amos and Andy”  TV show was written by Bob Mosher and Joe Connolly , the same writing team that produced and wrote the ultimate white man’s show:

 Leave it to Beaver ,

 

 as well as

The Munsters, 

 

 Ichabod and Me, and other sicoms as well .

 They’re white.

 So were the originators on radio, Freeman Gosden and Charles Correll. 

 

 And, in their writing ,  I noticed this….interestingly,  the only perenially stereotyped characters were Kingfish, Andy, Lightning ( the “Steppin Fetchit’ type janitor) and the ‘pseudo’ lawyer, Algionquin J. Calhoun. Every other African American character including Amos was intelligent , well spoken , and usually professional. Go figure.

 The NAACP wanted the TV show  off the air. Who can blame them with all the eyeball-rolling etc ?  But when it left the air, it did take with it pretty much  all the acting jobs for blacks on TV until Diahann Carroll and Bill Cosby came along at least ten years later.

 So , why am I still laughing at it.

Lets take away the dialect and see if it’s still funny.

I may change a few things, btw…..:

Ralph  is trying to marry off his mother in law so he arranges  a makeover for her at Madame Olga’s Salon.

 Madame Olga: Mr. Kramden ,  you seem to think this will be a very tough job, why?

Norton: If I may, Ralphie boy. Tell me , Madame Olga, have you ever seen a grapefruit that’s  been washed up on the beach and been laying there for a week, all covered with sand and seaweed and getting drier and more wrinked by the  minute.

 Madame Olga: Yes I have

Norton: Well, if you can make his mother-in-law  look that good, that’d be terrific

 The other line: , Ralph sells Norton  to a company for a $200.00 employment fee  to dig ditches in Saudi Arabia and walks him onto  the ship……. trying to convince him that  its a cruise line:

 Norton : Tell me Ralphie Boy  , why do they have all these shovels on board?

 Ralph: Norton, haven’t you ever heard of ‘shovelboard.”

 Substitute The Racoons

 for The Mystic Knights of the Sea……and it’ll play forever.

The greatest parody of the whole genre is Spike Lee’s movie BAMBOOZLED which no one I know has seen, but me. It’s great,…and please watch the full end credit roll and prepare for your jaw to drop.

 

And in one of the oddest turns of events ever. the feature film of The Honeymooners featured an All Black cast as the headliners.

 What goes around……hmm dere, Andy…..comes around , indeed !!!

Perhaps the Joe Goebbels production of  The Producers with “Springtime for Churchill” as the foil, would be funny to you.

Well, then,  you’ve got some nerve, you  racist,bigoted, anti-semitic son of a bitch!.

Oh, next week, I’ll be watching Disc 2 of A & A.