Even Von Braun can’t help this Rocket !

And so Roger Clemens , that allegedly-lying bastard, is indicted for lying to Congress , in an ironic twist, since Congress is probably the biggest bunch of liars the world has ever seen.
 
As the indictment said, “We oughta’ know!”.
 
 As his defense attorney commented , “Just because his wife’s tits are now 60 D’s, same size as his, is no reason to think he ever did steroids”.
 
 
He is being described as pretty much a ‘bonehead” up here in Boston where at one time he was beloved . Like a bad clam in our beloved chowder, he became hard to digest after a while . 
 
 
Obviously , in retrospect, he should have given the autographed baseballs and photos to the Federal prosecutors too …….. just like he did to  the senators when they had the hearings a year  or so ago , one of the most sickening displays of slimy ass-kissing the world has ever seen….from both sides.
 
  
The Senators were in complete awe and had to shower afterwards from climbing so far up his ass…….as Clemens and his HDH -induced, super-human paws kept squeezing the Senator’s  itsy-bitsy, teeny-tiny testes, then letting go, then squeezing again…as the senators said, “Please , sir, Can I have another?”
 
He maintains his innocence  and, to show he means it,  went over and lifted up The Capitol Building and shook it ….
 
 
 
…. until the bad senators that he doesn’t like fell out.
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Down on the “Pharma”

Remember when only doctors knew about prescription drugs and they’d write out the slip and you’d go down to the pharmacy and the pharmacist would hand you the drug based on his expertise  which included ” counting to 100″ .  

Now we have commercials aimed at the consumer telling us all about prescription drugs ….just like they’re a commodity item, like hair conditioner or Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups …just as though we can buy them without permission.

 Who do they think we are ? Rush Limbaugh.

 Reminds me of when I was a kid and the ad would come on TV  for Chocolate Covered Sugar Plus cereal and I’d have to go ask Mommy to buy me some after seeing the commercial 20x an hour and noting it’s nutritious value.

 Now that I’m all grown up, seems I still have to ask a responsible adult ….or my doctor …… for permission to buy something advertised. That’s not fair!  

And from what I can tell from the images, the Mad Men are hard at work because the images usually have nothing to do with the product.

 For example, an ad for a rheumatoid arthritis drug shows a woman buying a pair of pretty, red, flat-heeled shoes. That’s what I originally thought  that the ad was for…a pill for good looking woman who have trouble picking out shoes.

 Then, there was one that showed an African American lady who owned an antique store and after she  takes the pill advertised, she’s able to invite white “window shoppers”  into the store  to happily buy an antique glass vase……..which I didn’t even know was a disease.

I guess African American ladies have trouble inviting white ‘window shoppers’ into their stores ….. and the drug helps. I never knew that. God bless medical science.

 Oh wait, the drug was an anti-depressant, so I  guess the point of the ad was 

1. the anti-depressant works

2. she no longer needed a lobotomy

3. and hence ,she now can reduce the price of the vase because she could charge less for it,  since she no longer had to pay for the lobotomy.

In the world of  BIG PHARMA, we call it a ‘win-win’.

 Most of both ads were devoted to some guy reading a list of SIDE EFFECTS which took more time to read than if he read a list of  War Dead from The Crusades.

My favorite side effect  was “may cause fatal illness” which I think was stuck between ” itchy rash on hands” and “ minor genital swelling” . 

Just goes to show you that the drug companies are rolling in dough and need something else to write off  rather than “Executive retreat in Greenbrier”.  

And please, I don’t mean to be frivolous about these drugs. You should think about leaving some or all of your estate to the drug companies . Give generously now …. because someday you may be the white couple who really wants the antique  glass vase…..and your dollars today can make that happen .

An “Apple” as a teacher

In a newsletter  about technology in education, I saw this headline story this week.

COMING SOON TO A CLASSROOM NEAR YOU. ROBOT TEACHERS?

Robot teachers !!!!!……with a warranty that guarantees  they won’t bitch in the faculty room for more than four hours a day ; a faculty room which must be equipped with  lifts

in case the very heavy, all- metal teacher needs a colonoscopy as part of it’s health plan during prep time.

Actually I’m trying to figure out the difference  between a robot teacher and a real one that’s been teaching for thirty years

Wait, I know

The robot can be re-programmed  and made to look excited and interested as years go by.

And good news for districts and the kids . Now there can finally be some new blood coming in as “robotic” tenure is only good for 10 years or 20,000 lesson plans, whichever comes first.

The robot is also programmed not to talk about retirement as the basic rationale of its job  starting the day  it turns 35 and , districts be warned, the cheaper models  will spend all their time starting to figure out how  to double dip the instant it turns 50. …at public expense.

I think its a good idea. Hell, If a student is  out of line in the hall, they can TASER the sarcastic little bastard   with their built -in , ANTI- PUBERTY ray.

Published in: on August 14, 2010 at 8:47 am  Leave a Comment  
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I’ll Take Sweden…The wonders of IKEA

I promised I’d write about the last part of our anniversary last Saturday which was far better than our COMCAST morning. I wanted to go somewhere different; somewhere very organized and well -run after that horrible experience …..but sadly, both Boston City Hall and The Massachusetts Statehouse were closed .

My wife asked me where I wanted to go in the afternoon and , believe it or not, I said “IKEA”

since we had never been to an IKEA in our lives because … a) we never lived near an IKEA …. which seems to open in whatever city we’re in…… the day after we leave and b) my wife hates to shop.

Well, lemme tell you, I wear the skirts and sports bras  in this family and I like to shop, so off we went ( finally) ;  her begrudgingly…… and me cursing the traffic all way to to their Stoughton store , about an hour from our house in the south suburbs of  Boston.

I cannot imagine a better way to spend an anniversary than this……driving amidst Cape Cod bound traffic in the middle of a burning hot  afternoon with a woman who hates to shop in big box stores and who is having her hip replaced this coming Thursday.

Oh wait, inserting a hot cheese grater up my ass, that might be better,  but besides that …this was pretty damn good.

IT WAS WORTH IT.

IKEA’s Stoughton store  is conveniently located on “IKEA Way”  which ,of course, is a street that my GPS never heard of. We found it though after my wife screamed for the 11th time, “We’re lost. Why didn’t you wait for the sign to turn off the highway” and we got a spot in their covered IKEA parking lot and hoofed to the store, up the escalator and realized we needed to take their crash course/seminar, “How To Shop At IKEA”.

Lewis and Clark had it easier.

Where to begin.

Might I suggest guided tours with fun Swedish automatons that act up when you walk by…… like the 55 year old hippo on the jungle ride at DisneyLand which peeks out from underwater and opens its mouth as you float by on your river boat.

I think we started in the “Trash Can” section where IKEA wonderfully presents over 250,000 shapes and sizes of trash cans , all with Swedish names like “Vonschtuppen” and “Kishmeintuchas” which I believe are all Swedish curse words …..  and that they die laughing at IKEA when they think of a new one that they can fool us with us.

Kind of like what we used to do for a substitute teacher when she called the roll , “Dick Hertz. Who’s Dick Hertz”?

The Trash Can section took 4 hours to get through , but luckily for us ended at the IKEA Cafeteria or, as they call it in Sweden, Der Eatenmuchenmeataballs” where they serve delicious Swedish meatballs along with white air called mashed potatoes and Dingleberries, or some such red berry, that ‘der Svedes” ethnically enjoy as a spackle  type product; all  for $2.99, so that you are sustained for their AdventureLand trek once you leave the cafeteria……, the 11 mile long , “Swedish Night Light Department” or , should you turn right, the 370,000 product  “Swedish Desk Organizing department’.

Man, those swedes take desk organization seriously. That must be all they do.

I gotta tell you, this place was my Disneyland. There was so much cool stuff , so well organized, priced so right…..and they have  baskets filled with  yellow IKEA  bags so that you can haul all your stuff on your wife’s back as you make your way to the checkout line.

On top of all this, the Stoughton store has ‘water free urinals’ (TRUE) or in Swedish “derpisseninneinvater’, which saves an average of 40,000 gallons of fresh water per urinal each year. Bless them.

I’m thinking of vacationing next year in their “outdoor furniture ‘ department ……or in Swedish, ‘der heatstrokenland” and sitting in one of their ‘Hottengondefluppens” chairs; a name  which translates to “Think your fat ass will fit in here, Gringo”

Published in: on August 11, 2010 at 3:22 pm  Comments (1)  
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How We Spent Our Wedding Anniversary: I now pronounce you man and COMCAST

 
The first three hours of our glorious celebration post wake-up on August 7 were spent  trying to correct a problem  with COMCAST which , as you’ll soon learn, wrote it’s customer service policy manual using “The Gulag Archipelago” as it basis.
 
Our COMCAST home network is  no longer  connecting to this computer. So we called.
  
 
We were on the phone with COMCAST Customer Service agent #1   ….. ( to whom we gave our cell phone number should we be cut off ….. for about 35 minutes.,,,before we got cut off ……. and , of course, he never called back.
 
So we called again and got “Customer Service Agent #2 ” who had no notes of any conversation with “Customer Service agent #1” and who also wrote down our cell number , just in case. He took a completely different tack to the problem and it started to look like it might be fixed …until we got cut off  ( I assume he was texted that his pizza was ready) and he never returned either.
  
 
We called a third time. Try to guess what happened. Wrong !!!!
 
This guy  ( or as I like to call him, “COMCAST Customer Service agent # 3”) , after 30 minutes of varied and sundry ideas including  ‘hanging garlic around our neck to chase away the evil spirits” , connected us to NETGEAR  who manufactures  the router.
 
 “Brett’ of Netgear …or maybe it was Nett of Bretgear … ,was conveniently located in India, ancestral  home of The Slurpee. 
 
 
Forty minutes later, he decided he couldn’t fix it and that the whole mess was Comcast’s fault,  BUT he could not transfer us back because…well, who the fuck knows why.
 
So we called Comcast yet again and got “Customer Service Agent #4” who actually had a brain. When we asked why the others never called back, he started to giggle and told us why:
 
1. A month or so ago , the COMCAST police decided that too many agents were making illicit outside calls which took them away , Comrades, from “der duties of der state”.
 
  So COMCAST flicked one of their many switches  and turned off their ability to make outbound phone calls. In other words, they decided to punish  the customers. by taking away the ability for them to call you back once you get off . 
 
They have some nerve.
What business do they think they’re in anyway ?? ……….  healthcare  !
  
 
2. The other reason is even more amazing. The guy told us that the instant a call is dropped, a new one automatically begins …. so even if they wanted to call back, they can’t because they are already talking to the next person who will soon be cut off too.
 
Oh sure, I’ll threaten to cancel my service and go to Verizon. Great idea. And I bet you think Republican’s are different from Democrats too.
 
Yeah, that’ll work because the exact same thing is happening at Verizon and all of those unhappy Verizon-ites are  switching to COMCAST at the exact same time.
 
I figured it out. 
 
At the cable  commisariat , I mean headquarters,  Vice Presidents  are sitting there at large control desks cutting off calls …. and then laughing diabolically when they do.
 
 Then they switch baseball caps from ones that say COMCAST  X-FINITY to one that says VERIZON FIOS and wait for your business. Same guy, different hat .
 
      
 
That was 9 am to noon on our anniversary, but things got better as the next entry ……a little later in the week …… will attest to.
Published in: on August 8, 2010 at 10:02 am  Comments (1)  
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Its not just good…its Grrrr-ape

Just in case you didn’t know it, the following ingredients are in ‘Stop and Shop” grocery store’s house brand of Diet Grape Soda…

Carbonated Water ( so far so good)
Tartaric Acid (This can’t be good for you)
Citric Acid ( Citrus..ok.)
Potassium Citrate
Aspartame ( I read something about this . Oh yeah, it wipes out the engravings on tombstones)
Potassium Benzoate ( It is not pronounced “pot-ass-eeyum”, by the way. )
Natural and Artificial Flavor ( ah, natural)
Grape Juice Concentrate ( How about that…very natural)
Gum Acacia (  And I thought it was a piece of old Juicy Fruit floating around in it ) ,
Red 40 and Blue 1 ( which obviously equals ‘purple’)
  
It was .79 cents for  a 2 liter container so I bought it ….. since I haven’t had grape soda in probably 30 years.
 
 I drank the entire two liters in three days  because it reminded me of my youth when we played with dry cleaning plastic bags as spacesuits……and it was horribly wonderful ; except for choking on the Juicy Fruit thingie when it went right down my throat on the last gulp..
 
Did I mention it also contained 25 mg of salt.
 
Salt????
 
Yes, salt, God damnit!
 
  So that’s why I was so thirsty when  I finished my drink.
 
Look , it was only seventy-nine cents ! Once every thirty years !
 
I could have bought this brand.
 
At least, the name says it all !
 
Published in: on August 4, 2010 at 4:26 pm  Comments (3)  
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Hang him on the wall….and call him “Art’

 

 from The Fort Worth Star-Telegram (Texas)

 New fine-arts requirements set to take effect in Texas:

New fine-arts requirements for Texas students are set to take effect this fall, mandating that students take a minimum of one fine-arts course during grades 6-8 and earn at least one fine-arts credit in high school.

 Schools say many students are already meeting this standard, but parents and educators hope the requirements will increase enrollment and support for arts programs in schools. “Arts are an important component of a well-balanced education,” one Texas educational leader said. “I think it was a very positive move by the Legislature in spite of these days of high-stakes testing.”

As some of you may know ,Texas is a bit conservative in its choice of textbooks and curriculum. In fact there was some controversy a month or so ago when their schoolbook commission decided that  Thomas Jefferson was too liberal and that  there should be little mention of him  or any other dang liberal in the approved textbooks…and replacing him with Dick Cheney as need be. 

 As for Obama’s mentions in the textbooks , he’s in the section on “History of Commies”  and is depicted  below in the approved textbook ….with some supporters at a recent  parade 

 

So  I have to assume that the same feelings carry  over into  the arts in Texas schools,  in that any pictures or drawings of any democrats  won’t get much higher than an F,  particularly any  nude sculpture of Obama,

  

that depicts a larger penis than the one Mike gave Dave above, irregardless of what might be the truth …and also that any depiction of  Senate  Democrats  in the Arts have to be shown with no penis at all, except for the women.

It also depends on what you name your art in the new  Texas curriculum .

For example the piece below  was criticized by the judge at a recent high school art exhibit as  ” a piece of crap that looks like sumpin my dog chewed up “, but it took first place at the next show when it was re-named 

 

“Mission Accomplished

 May the arts and education continue to flourish in Texas.

The Cost of Convenience

I just bought theater tickets for Mrs. Scrooge, myself and a visiting , elderly couple for Saturday night to a Central Square (Cambridge, MA) Theater production ‘The Hound of the Baskervilles’ , a two-man ‘Sherlock Holmes” comedy show that has excellent  reviews.

 

 I called  a company called TheaterMania, the  theater’s  ticketing site and waited for the agent.

Finally he came on and informed me that the ticket ($30.00 each) also carried  a ‘buy by phone’ fee of 4.00 per ticket plus a fee for, I guess,  waking  the ticket agent  of $1.50 per ticket, which brought the price to $35.50 per ticket.


The guy informed me that it was cheaper to do it on line, so I did.

 And it turned out that when I  finally checked off the ‘buy tickets now” box for the $30.00 tickets ….. where no human helped me…..there was what they called “a convenience fee” of $4.50 per ticket.

 And so, I saved a dollar!

Hence, they charged me a fee  so I could buy a ticket !

 

 

Its like a grocery store charging me admission ! Maybe they should … and then guarantee that your cart wheel wouldn’t squeak.

 With this theater, the only way to save the convenience  fee is go to the box office,  inconveniently located in  Central Square in Cambridge …..and   I can’t think of many places more inconvenient for me to get to from where I live which, btw,  is NOT NEAR CAMBRIDGE! .

 Oh yeah, Central Square in Tibet. However I hear that its a $5.50 ‘convenience fee” there…. since the Commies took over.

 This is like Wal Mart charging me to park…“Wanna park within a block of the store ? We have to charge you extra! !. Its a ‘convenience fee”

 Why piss me off with a euphemism? .

Here’s an idea!  Just say the tickets are $35.00 each no matter how or where you get them and cut the shit.    Convenience fee , my ass !

  Euphemisms ! 

As my grandmother  used to say , “Feh”.

Pet Care costs out of control at $4.10 a flea

In California, they’re starting to look at regulating pet insurance costs because, even though only 1% of people have it , they’re expecting more will use it as veterinary prices  go out of control as more and more people are paying more and more for sophisticated treatments like chemo, dialysis and sonograms, not to mention pet massages.

Few people understand their pet insurance policies if they even  have one.

For example, pre-existing conditions.

This happened in my family. My elderly uncle had a beagle and all day long he’d lay around trying to lick his balls. It was annoying to watch him do that …. for both me and the beagle .

 Eventually the beagle started mimicking his master and a rash developed on the dog’s testes.

However, the veterinary care claim was TURNED DOWN by the pet insurance company when they asked me “Has he ever licked his balls before?”. My honest answer was YES…a pre-existing condition, so the salve wasn’t covered.

I think it was $40.00 for the salve, but my uncle used it too.

 Just last Monday , I took my 13 year old German Shepherd ( a dog, not a human herder named Klaus))   to the vet ……. and only $169.00 later, we found out she had fleas, as the vet showed in the X Ray below:
 
  
One Hundred and Sixty Nine dollars !
About $4.10 a flea actually, which I believe included a choice of  either  
a) full future employment for each flea or
b)  complete long term care for each flea,
 both as promised by the Obama administration  as part of the new universal jobs and healthcare plan!
 
 
 
People need to prioritize and balance pet care vs. family needs  in these harsh economic times.
 
 $169.00 is a lot of money so, in light of the high cost of not having “Frequent Flea” miles to cash in as they had expired at the vets, I have cancelled  Mrs. Scrooge’s hip replacement surgery , as I can easily stand her  agonizing moaning,
 
 
 but the dog’s constant scratching was driving me nuts!
 
 
I might add that the vet is charging me boarding fees for the fleas he picked off. 
 
 Anyone interested in adopting any or all of the fleas ( Frank,. Judy, Big Ed , Guido, Steve, Jeff, Terry, Anna, Jim, Druellen, Aaron,  Johnny, Butterball, Tom, Horace, Matty, Hailey, Charley, Leroy, Jesus, Mohammed,  Irving , Spot, Contessa, Figaro, Gepetto, Carl, Felix, Sebastian, Ovide, Christine, Ginger,  Fred, Adolf, Eva, Idi, Edie, Avram, Marco,  Kelsey, Shannon, Meghan, Kelly , Cindy, Mike, Dottie, Deb, Dick, W, Barack, Hilary, Cecil & Cecile (the twins) 
or
(pictured) Schlomo
 
 , please contact PETAL,
 People for the Ethical Treatment of Annoying  Larvae

.

Published in: on July 21, 2010 at 1:07 pm  Comments (1)  
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God Save The Queen

How come the Queen carries a purse?

 

 What’s in it?

 The key to England??????

   And it’s a small purse, particularly considering that she is one of the world’s richest women.

  But I guess she  is trying…….. particularly after seeing Helen Mirren play her in the film “The Queen” as , well, a  snob who had no understanding of the people she rules……., to become one of the common people and feel their pain just a bit … as new Prime Minister David Cameron tightens the national belt.

 

 So from now on, I assume, she’ll probably be buying her purses at the local outlet mall as she also:

  1. Freezes salaries of any staff members making over $73,000 .00 a year.

  2. Moves to reduce her staff of 1400.

 

Some examples of this staff reduction are :

  a. purchasing a clock radio on sale at Wal Mart to awaken her each day, rather than her  ‘on-staff’, every morning, piper 

 

who awakens her each day  with a tuneful, bleating ditty…..a ditty which is so much more refreshing than her new clock radio might be:

 “HEY OUT THERE. IT’S 6 AM AND IF YOU’RE THE QUEEN , WAKE THE HELL UP AND GET TO WORK.

YOU’RE LISTENING TO K I N G RADIO……WISHING YOU A HAPPY KINGDOM THIS MORNING, YOUR MAJESTY.

OUR FIRST REQUEST IS , WELL BUST MY BUTTONS, ITS FROM THE QUEEN WHO ASKS FOR ” WHEN THE MORNING DOVE CALLS THE GOOD SOLDIER TO REST ‘ ON THE PIPES.

 ED, DO WE HAVE THAT ONE FOR HER MAJESTY’.WHAT’S THAT…NOT ON THE PIPES. THEN HOW ABOUT THE AEROSMITH VERSION !!!

 b. and to further reduce staff,  she promises to be thinking twice about keeping a “Royal Counter of Swans” as a staff member.  

   

 That’s 3, I mean 4, by the way.

To accomplish this serious cutback , she has requested a  new position called “The Royal Counter of Thinking Twice” from the Exchequer at $72,500.00 a year.

 A major cutback is also happening in security as Princess Eugenie (I Dream of Eugenie”)

 and Prince Beatrice (Foods) will lose their 24-hour-a-day, $7000,000.00 +++  a year bodyguards since nobody has any god damn idea who they are anyway!

 And it should be noted  that Sir Alan Reid, the Keeper of The Privy Purse has agreed to a $20,000.00 a year cut too. Now he makes $264,000.00 a year……to keep her pocketbook near the toilet, I assume. It is the Privy Purse after all.