A Penny for your Thoughts

“Out of the clear blue of the Western sky, it’s Sky King……..

And here are my thoughts, circa 1954 ……I’d like to get a peek up the cowgirl skirt of Sky King’s gorgeaus, blond,wide eyed , cowgirl niece, Penny, as played by GLORIA WINTERS, in the show about the flying, ‘modern day’ rancher “SKY KING” ( played by Kirby Grant) and his plane , “The Songbird” ( played by A. Cessna Aircraft).
Actually it was a Cessna 310 which, to this day,  is a model  nicknamed “The Songbird” by aviators.
Here’s “Penny”..ain’t she somethin’?
I am sad to announce , that well into her eighties , “Penny” died last week . She was not wearing her cowgirl skirt at the time. I understand that it was more of a ‘schmata’ housedress when she finally went to that great landing strip in the sky.
 Ms. Winters also was the first to play “Babs” , Rileys daughter, when The Life of Riley first came onto TV.. …….    when Riley was played by a very mis-cast Jackie Gleason.
The more famous and much much better  William Bendix “Riley” came later.

I just found out that Sky’s official first name was “Schuyler”, hence Penny always calling him “Uncle Sky”  meant more than just a referral to his adventures in the Western Wild Blue……Yonder, pardner
The only cowgirl worth her salt, looks-wise,  against pretty Penny was “Annie Oakley” as played by Gail Davis.
‘Penny’ remains one of the main reasons that I married a shickseh.
I’m still married to my land-bound “Penny”…..but times have changed.
Today, if Uncle Sky were buzzing the bad guys like he did on the fifties , he’d be sued for noise pollution and disturbing the cows, not to mention violating the civil rights of the baddies.
And , anyway, I don’t think the sky is so clear anymore plus my wife never wears her cowgirl outfit anymore either .

My “Bikini Area” and Yours

I saw an ad on TV for “The No No” which doesn’t have a damn thing to with ‘Nanette’. 

 Turns out that The No No ( which , as the instructions clearly state : In order to make it work, you must turn it ‘On On”)  is a device which removes hair painlessly, unlike a razor which removes hair painlessly.
Wait! Wait.
 I’m a sensitive male and I understand that  women  need hair removed from ‘sensitive’ areas where a blade might go unwanted.
In  the ad , this area was called , as spoken by a male announcer, the ‘bikini area”,  an area also known medically  in relation to hair  there ….by males other than the announcer as:
love rug.
Shag carpet
honey pot
Fuzzy Taco
Bearded Clam 
and other medical terms.
Ahh yes, the ‘bikini’ area. 
 Hey don’t be mad at me.
 It’s just pubic hair around the vagina , a vestigial growth to signal sexual maturity to other primates from when we were all living in trees and caves, as clearly shown below in an illustration from a recent Texas-approved  science textbook
and if the “No No” can stupidly name it  “The Bikini area” in the ad, I reserve the right to call the area whatever the hell I want to as well.
There used to be a product on the market, maybe it still is, called “Nair”
It’s a depillatory.
 You smear it on unwanted hair and it pulls the hair out about as gently as the Indians did with one’s scalp .
My mother used it back in the fifties…and then she used it on me.
My first  hairs of maturity were not in my “bikini area”, but, rather,  on my upper lip.
One night mymother decided to place Nair upon  said area to remove the offensive fuzz.
I was 11.
The old man was away.
She rubbed it in under  my nose and I found out one simple scientific fact…… Nair, to coin a phrase, stinks.
It stinks like a rotting corpse .
It stinks like lobster shells left out in the heat for a week.
It stinks like my gym locker in high school ….  times 10.
And while it stinks, it removes your hair by some bizarre chemical reaction that pulls each strand out with the maximum of pain, one by one. It’s inventor , Dr. Mengele, still demands royalties in Argentine pesos.
The old man eventually came home. 
He told my mother of an invention called the “razor .
It works, and I’ve used “the razor” ever since.
 But unlike women,  I never need to use it in my ‘bikini area’ as (Lucky Me)  my  ‘bikini area’  hair doesn’t stick out above my Speedo.
 That’s not me.
In my case,  
 my belly blocks it.