Jurassic Salmon

In Waltham , Massachusetts, nicknamed “The Watch City” because it’s major industry when it had industry  was “watch and timepiece manufacturing”, there’s a company called  “AQUA BOUNTY”, not to be mixed up with Aqua Velva, though in the end, their products may taste alike

 


Aqua Bounty has genetically engineered a gigantic salmon nicknamed,” Frankenfish”  ….. and it is causing an uproar because it just ate downtown Waltham.


 No ,it didn’t.  I’m just joshin’ you.

“Frank” was just approved by the FDA which declared that the  fish was safe to eat.
 
Interesting because ‘Frank’ , the giant salmon that ate Waltham, was declared safe to eat as a drug, not as a food…as it was The FDA’s Veterinary Medicine Advisory Committee that oversaw the hearings. 

In other words, ,enjoy it with a delicious glass of Frontline.
 

‘Frank’, in all fairness, answers several needs ; the most important being  that it allows us to never run out of salmon … which is important for my bagel.
 
 
 It should be noted that all things change over time.
 
For example,  bagel manufacturers  now use a machine to make the hole as opposed to using a well hung moyel; another modern improvement on an “ages old” tradition.

Now they’re changing the fish!
 
The giant salmon , we’re told, are bred to be sterile, but a certain percentage are not …  which means if they ever get loose they’ll eat all the other fish , and then probably turn against us, create pens for us, and start serving us in “Salmon Only” restaurants as ‘Human Almondine’.

And how fucking embarassing will it be to go swimming and be eaten by a giant salmon.
 

Not to worry, they’ll fuck this up somewhere along the line,  even though I honestly believe Aqua Bounty has no intention of doing that. 
 
They call it “Chaos Theory”
 
Remember that the scientist played by  Richard Attenbourough in “Jurassic Park” only bred females too, ahem

 

Well, at least  he got a three movie deal with Spielberg.

Tom Brady’s Best Buddies

Last week, Patriot’s quarterback Tom Brady was in an auto accident in Boston’s Back Bay near to where he lives.

 The other guy ,it seems, ran a red light and a man in that car (not the driver) was quite seriously injured, but is recovering .

The driver was simply lynched by the crowd . 

 

  Brady was OK and worked out fully in practice later that day.

The lynching site is now part of the Boston Duck Tour of Back Bay 

 and described by the ‘comically oriented’ driver/tour guides as ‘Wow, talk about a dangling participle….there’s the guy who hit Brady who,  like Mozart after death, is now  ‘de-composing”.

 

Always gets a big Boston laugh as the flashbulbs go off!

 Had Jesus himself been seen strolling down Newbury Street at the same time, it would have gotten less coverage on the local news than Brady’s accident received.

  It was nauseating, particularly  the  story which popped on The Globe’s front page the next day indicating that the family of the  man who was hurt in the other car felt that he wasn’t getting enough press attention .

  Huh??  HELLLO !!!!!!!  As the  titillating headline may have read

 EXTREE EXTREE READ ALL ABOUT IT.

“Nobody you know recovering in local hospital” .

 

But the most significant item was this …..

 .Brady , it turns out was driving a $97,000.00 Audi, a gift to him from a “non-profit’ he supports called ‘ Best Buddies’.

 

Seems that there be quite a bit of profit in non–profit as noted by their most recent fund-raising campaign ;

” WOULD YOU LET TOM BRADY DRIVE IN JUST  A $90,000.00 CAR? 

NO FUCKING WAY. GIVE GENEROUSLY “

 From their website : Best Buddies is a nonprofit 501(c)(3) organization dedicated to establishing a global volunteer movement that creates opportunities for one-to-one friendships, integrated employment and leadership development for people with intellectual and developmental disabilities (IDD).

 and it is also noted on the website that

Audi is the official car of Best Buddies 

which is important because I can’t imagine a developmentally challenged person not owning one.

 And tell me how bad the taste is in your mouth is when you see Brady , who is worth zillions….. and whose wife is worth zillions more…. driving around in a free car worth almost $100,000.00 given to him free by a charity asking the public for money

 

Here’s an idea, raffle off the God- damn car, have Brady sign it and give the now $150,000.00 car  to the cause.

 What a crock of crap. I don’t give to any charity anymore.

The Brady car is one good  reason why!

“Lasell”-out: report on academia

 Considering that my last blog was about colleges,here’s more news concerning those  noble institutions of higher learning.

 

 After an investigation by the Commonwealth , Lasell College, a small college in Newton MA, has to return $191,000.00 to students because their stinking , rotten admissions/financial aid  department accepted gifts from Citizen’s Bank  from 2003 to 2007  and, in return,  told students that they HAD TO borrow money through CITIZEN’S BANK  even though other lenders were  offering lower rates.

  And, as part of their new ethics curriculum and in their never-ending attempt to show their students what the ‘real world’ is like, Lasell hasn’t fired a single member of their admissions/financial aid  department.

 In response to a question as to why they haven’t been canned, Lasell administration said, “Go fuck yourself. We’re academia.”

 So I went to their website to investigate .

  Here’s a quote from the website ” Each of the nearly 1600 students, and the numerous faculty, staff, and alumni undoubtedly has a different answer to “Why Lasell?”, but they share the conviction that the College is an exciting place to learn, teach, discover your passions, and prepare yourself for future success. We invite you to read on to discover how current students, alumni, parents, and faculty answer the question “Why Lasell?”

  In my own investigation I went to Lasell and asked one of the students on  their diverse campus; a student named Osama Capone  , “Why Lasell? ” to find out for myself

and he answered,

” Dude,  My passion  is to get what I can when I can and so I think that Lasell is perfect for today’s society as it  prepares students like me  for a world where pretty much everyone in business is an untrustworthy douchebag who’ll stab you in the back whenever possible. I plan to do that too.

  Personally, while working as an intern in our ‘admissions and financial aid department’ I’ve learned that if  I kiss enough ass, like our admissions/financial aid department did, I probably won’t even be fired. Did I mention , by the way, how the administration here is such a caring bunch of individuals? They’re terrific. That’s why I, as an intern in the financial aid department, smoke $6.00 cigars , get lots of free blow jobs from whores and eat a lot of steak. And I’m only a sophomore . That’s ‘Why Lasell? ‘ for me”

 After college, Osama hopes to work for The Bank of Kabul. 

Even Von Braun can’t help this Rocket !

And so Roger Clemens , that allegedly-lying bastard, is indicted for lying to Congress , in an ironic twist, since Congress is probably the biggest bunch of liars the world has ever seen.
 
As the indictment said, “We oughta’ know!”.
 
 As his defense attorney commented , “Just because his wife’s tits are now 60 D’s, same size as his, is no reason to think he ever did steroids”.
 
 
He is being described as pretty much a ‘bonehead” up here in Boston where at one time he was beloved . Like a bad clam in our beloved chowder, he became hard to digest after a while . 
 
 
Obviously , in retrospect, he should have given the autographed baseballs and photos to the Federal prosecutors too …….. just like he did to  the senators when they had the hearings a year  or so ago , one of the most sickening displays of slimy ass-kissing the world has ever seen….from both sides.
 
  
The Senators were in complete awe and had to shower afterwards from climbing so far up his ass…….as Clemens and his HDH -induced, super-human paws kept squeezing the Senator’s  itsy-bitsy, teeny-tiny testes, then letting go, then squeezing again…as the senators said, “Please , sir, Can I have another?”
 
He maintains his innocence  and, to show he means it,  went over and lifted up The Capitol Building and shook it ….
 
 
 
…. until the bad senators that he doesn’t like fell out.

I’ll Take Sweden…The wonders of IKEA

I promised I’d write about the last part of our anniversary last Saturday which was far better than our COMCAST morning. I wanted to go somewhere different; somewhere very organized and well -run after that horrible experience …..but sadly, both Boston City Hall and The Massachusetts Statehouse were closed .

My wife asked me where I wanted to go in the afternoon and , believe it or not, I said “IKEA”

since we had never been to an IKEA in our lives because … a) we never lived near an IKEA …. which seems to open in whatever city we’re in…… the day after we leave and b) my wife hates to shop.

Well, lemme tell you, I wear the skirts and sports bras  in this family and I like to shop, so off we went ( finally) ;  her begrudgingly…… and me cursing the traffic all way to to their Stoughton store , about an hour from our house in the south suburbs of  Boston.

I cannot imagine a better way to spend an anniversary than this……driving amidst Cape Cod bound traffic in the middle of a burning hot  afternoon with a woman who hates to shop in big box stores and who is having her hip replaced this coming Thursday.

Oh wait, inserting a hot cheese grater up my ass, that might be better,  but besides that …this was pretty damn good.

IT WAS WORTH IT.

IKEA’s Stoughton store  is conveniently located on “IKEA Way”  which ,of course, is a street that my GPS never heard of. We found it though after my wife screamed for the 11th time, “We’re lost. Why didn’t you wait for the sign to turn off the highway” and we got a spot in their covered IKEA parking lot and hoofed to the store, up the escalator and realized we needed to take their crash course/seminar, “How To Shop At IKEA”.

Lewis and Clark had it easier.

Where to begin.

Might I suggest guided tours with fun Swedish automatons that act up when you walk by…… like the 55 year old hippo on the jungle ride at DisneyLand which peeks out from underwater and opens its mouth as you float by on your river boat.

I think we started in the “Trash Can” section where IKEA wonderfully presents over 250,000 shapes and sizes of trash cans , all with Swedish names like “Vonschtuppen” and “Kishmeintuchas” which I believe are all Swedish curse words …..  and that they die laughing at IKEA when they think of a new one that they can fool us with us.

Kind of like what we used to do for a substitute teacher when she called the roll , “Dick Hertz. Who’s Dick Hertz”?

The Trash Can section took 4 hours to get through , but luckily for us ended at the IKEA Cafeteria or, as they call it in Sweden, Der Eatenmuchenmeataballs” where they serve delicious Swedish meatballs along with white air called mashed potatoes and Dingleberries, or some such red berry, that ‘der Svedes” ethnically enjoy as a spackle  type product; all  for $2.99, so that you are sustained for their AdventureLand trek once you leave the cafeteria……, the 11 mile long , “Swedish Night Light Department” or , should you turn right, the 370,000 product  “Swedish Desk Organizing department’.

Man, those swedes take desk organization seriously. That must be all they do.

I gotta tell you, this place was my Disneyland. There was so much cool stuff , so well organized, priced so right…..and they have  baskets filled with  yellow IKEA  bags so that you can haul all your stuff on your wife’s back as you make your way to the checkout line.

On top of all this, the Stoughton store has ‘water free urinals’ (TRUE) or in Swedish “derpisseninneinvater’, which saves an average of 40,000 gallons of fresh water per urinal each year. Bless them.

I’m thinking of vacationing next year in their “outdoor furniture ‘ department ……or in Swedish, ‘der heatstrokenland” and sitting in one of their ‘Hottengondefluppens” chairs; a name  which translates to “Think your fat ass will fit in here, Gringo”

Published in: on August 11, 2010 at 3:22 pm  Comments (1)  
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The Cost of Convenience

I just bought theater tickets for Mrs. Scrooge, myself and a visiting , elderly couple for Saturday night to a Central Square (Cambridge, MA) Theater production ‘The Hound of the Baskervilles’ , a two-man ‘Sherlock Holmes” comedy show that has excellent  reviews.

 

 I called  a company called TheaterMania, the  theater’s  ticketing site and waited for the agent.

Finally he came on and informed me that the ticket ($30.00 each) also carried  a ‘buy by phone’ fee of 4.00 per ticket plus a fee for, I guess,  waking  the ticket agent  of $1.50 per ticket, which brought the price to $35.50 per ticket.


The guy informed me that it was cheaper to do it on line, so I did.

 And it turned out that when I  finally checked off the ‘buy tickets now” box for the $30.00 tickets ….. where no human helped me…..there was what they called “a convenience fee” of $4.50 per ticket.

 And so, I saved a dollar!

Hence, they charged me a fee  so I could buy a ticket !

 

 

Its like a grocery store charging me admission ! Maybe they should … and then guarantee that your cart wheel wouldn’t squeak.

 With this theater, the only way to save the convenience  fee is go to the box office,  inconveniently located in  Central Square in Cambridge …..and   I can’t think of many places more inconvenient for me to get to from where I live which, btw,  is NOT NEAR CAMBRIDGE! .

 Oh yeah, Central Square in Tibet. However I hear that its a $5.50 ‘convenience fee” there…. since the Commies took over.

 This is like Wal Mart charging me to park…“Wanna park within a block of the store ? We have to charge you extra! !. Its a ‘convenience fee”

 Why piss me off with a euphemism? .

Here’s an idea!  Just say the tickets are $35.00 each no matter how or where you get them and cut the shit.    Convenience fee , my ass !

  Euphemisms ! 

As my grandmother  used to say , “Feh”.

TRAINing Day

 I took AMTRAK back to Boston from Philly  on Tuesday.

 

I went on their web site to see what the fare was and it was $83.00 for the train I wanted . When I went to their site to buy the ticket  a few days later, it was  $118.00. Same train, so I called AMTRAK.

 “Seat prices ,” the gentleman said,” are based on availability.”

  

 I responded (calmly) as is my nature,

AVAILABILITY !!!!!   It’s a freaking train. Put another car on the end of the God damn thing. See, thats the difference betwen a train and say, the airlines , where , by the way, you got this brilliant idea from. Good choice, I might add, since they’re well  known for their customer service and comfort.

Do me a favor. Please tell AMTRAK management,  just in case nobody noticed, that you can always add a car to the train because the locomotive doesn’t care.

Do you think it’s going ‘I think I can . I think I can” as it  pulls into Penn Station?

  Have you ever looked at the size of the platform at 30th Street station. Has anyone  noticed that the God damn train is always a lot shorter than the platform. Obviously they were built so the train can be as long as needed!!!!

  Availability, give me a fucking break. It’s a train!”

  The guy was laughing and then took the time to say how much he enjoyed my routine and  then  reminded me that as far as he was concerned if I never got back to Boston that was OK with him.

So I  simply bought a ticket for the next train which was $83.00  which left two hours later and , FYI, was right on time to the minute into Boston’s Back Bay station.

 

RIGHT ON TIME.

Yes it was.

And only $77.00 with a AAA discount to travel with leg room, food, more than enough room for my extra-large derriere, large bathrooms, and decent scenery from time to time.particularly in New Jersey

AMTRAK…Northeast Regional Service , and this was not even The Acela which charges $100.00 more to get you there in 50 minutes less time.

AMTRAK, you’re A-OK

I’d write AMTRAK a ‘thank you” E mail, but I ran out of available postage.

See, it’s all  about availability, after all.

Published in: on June 24, 2010 at 10:36 am  Comments (3)  
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SLOW NEWS DAY IN BOSTON

Thank you, Fox 25 News at Ten” , a local ‘news’ here  in Boston for providing us with the Memorial Day story of a local Massachusetts  resident  and how  she took this picture of a moose in her backyard.

 
 
“Fox 25 News at Ten’ reporter asked  the woman varied questions as  Fox 25 News at Ten video experts showed the woman excitedly telling the story of  how she took the picture of the moose in her backyard ,
 
 “I looked out my window, saw the moose and took the picture” 
 
 and while she spoke,  her coincidental Indian name was also put on screen .
 
  
It identified her as
“Spotted Moose”
 
Not to be confused with her brother , “Brake for Moose”
 
 
Either that……… or she is a Spotted Moose,
 but she looked human , spoke English and didn’t have any spots.
 
 
Well, admittedly  it was a slow Memorial Day for real news, so their anchor ,
 
did everything she possibly could to fill in more time as she still had approximately 29 minutes and 48 seconds to go, hence she happily gave us this explanation as to why the fact that Ms.Spotted Moose spotted a moose was news.
 
 It is because, in word for word detail,
  ” Experts says that the giant creatures usually live in the forest”.
  
   
 
 
Now that’s news  because  I always thought that moose lived in condos along the Charles River in Boston’s Back Bay, as shown below in a photo from  my  recently published book , “Where Moose Live” .
 
 
 But no, according to Fox 25 News at Ten  and their  on-staff moose experts,
‘the giant creatures live in the forest.’
 
 Live and learn
 
Also please keep in mind that the  “giant”  news-worthy creature  that  the news writing team at “Fox 25 News at 10” was talking  about is a moose
 
 
 
 , not some  Brobdignagian troll from either 
 “The Never Ending Story” or “Lord of the Rings”.
 
 
Not exactly on the newsworthy scale of this walking out of Buzzards Bay,
 
but again , it was a slow news day
 
To top it all off, the story particularly aggravated yours truly because I had called Fox 25 News at Ten  myself  that day with a news story concerning  my  photo of a sparrow ( which is a type of rare bird)  on my lawn.
 
 
 
However Fox 25 News at Ten said that they couldn’t run with it  because  they could not get an expert to confirm that “these aerial creatures usually live in trees”.
  
 
God damn the fact checkers, but I’m a good loser , so kudos to “Fox 25 News at Ten” for going out of their way and  finding a ‘moose expert’ on Memorial Day , for as we all know ,  moose experts are pretty much unavailable on that holiday as
 “the human-like experts usually are found at cookouts’ , as evidenced  below
in this rare photo of “Moose Experts at Play” by Ansel Adams.
  
 
In other current events ,
Moose 25 Noose at Ten
had their anchor report this  competing  story on their newscast, complete with photo…
 
 
” Large Cow sighted near Forest” 
 and stated  that
‘Human experts confirmed the unusual sighting saying  that these awkward , gangly, bad-tempered  creatures are usually found inside drinking martinis.
Please don’t brake if you see one.
 

Water Water Everywhere, but not a drop to drink or “The Boston Water Crisis, part deaux”

Just a quick note to say that the great Boston Water Crisis , as written about in the post previous, was not a crisis at all.

Turns out that the water was safe all along.

Poland Spring and other companies want to thank the government and the media for the hype, the bullshit

and the profits.

No biggie here at Webeneezer’s.

We just boiled a large spaghetti pot full of water, refrigerated  it and boiled a second one ……and that got us through, though it was hard to fit in it to bathe …and afterwards, the water tasted funny .

I blame no one. The Government simply erred to the side of caution just as our first Homeland Security secretary Tom Ridge  did back in 2001 when his original  guideline for protecting your house against a terrorist attack post 9-11 was to encase it in heavy plastic sheeting with duct tape.

 Considering the quality of our latest terrorist, The Times Square Bomber,

this actually could have worked.

In this Massachusetts water ‘crisis’ , our up-for-re-election Governor, Deval Patrick , cancelled a trip to some big-time, Hi-Tech meeting in Chicago to stay back and handle the crisis which was not even a crisis, but, to be fair, he didn’t know that.

 I’ll never forget his stirring words to the agency in charge when he learned the main had split,

“Fix the fucking pipe”.

EASY TO SAY….HARD TO DO !!

The real kudos belong to three welders

whose names are Mark Hutchinson, Doug Glover and Bill Pierce who laid on their backs in a cramped , muddy, sopping wet, 20 foot deep hole  for 18 hours to actually do just what the people of the Commonwealth needed to get done, i.e., fix the damn thing. 

Funny, they got it done and they aren’t even politicians.

 

Reaching the Boiling Point in Boston

A number of communities around Boston  received a  “BOIL WATER” order on Saturday.

 

 My community was one of them.

 Seems that the large water main carrying both  fresh water and floating Mafia victims decided to split apart  and, instead of bringing the water to the filtering system, it took a minor detour  before it reached your house, over to “Bacteria Land”, the same place where those cartoon Mucinex boogers live.

 

 Word went out over every news station and newspaper

“BOIL YOUR WATER”. 

 But they never gave instructions on how to do it!

What happened next reminds me of the old joke about the slightly dyslexic, brand new new nurse who is given instructions to take care of a patient. 

  Next thing you know there’s a horrible shriek from the patient’s room . The doctor rushs in and  says to the nurse,  ‘No, stupid, I said to prick that man’s boil”

 That’s one boil joke……here’s another !

 They call it a “BOIL WATER” order, but, in reality, it became a

“RUN TO THE STORE LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT AND BUY  UP ALL THE BOTTLED WATER YOU CAN FIND BECAUSE YOU’RE OBVIOUSLY TOO GOD DAMN LAZY TO BOIL IT, REFRIGERATE IT AND THEN BOIL SOME MORE “

 order.

 Obviously there’s a learning gap in our education system. Damn public education failed again ! We have driver’s training so they could all run to the store to buy water, but somewhere along the line, we never taught them how to boil water.

Our spigot  water was always safe to wash  and shower in.  Personally, my only side effect was  an  odd  rash that spelled out, in small itchy, reddish boils, 

 “Courtesy of Halliburton Water Main Corporation”.

 The government also took the time to pronounce that it was safe to flush your toilet.  I thought this was an odd and unnecessary announcement since , at no point, was I planning on using the yard  for my morning dump  and , secondly  ( and I may be  in some sort of bizarre minority here),  I have absolutely no concerns regarding the ongoing good health of my turds.

They also mentioned that any given person  had a very tiny chance of getting some minor intestinal disorders  if, in fact, you did drink the water.

 But that ain’t news. So

RUN !

 RUN!

 Like all the local media, The Sunday Boston Globe (aka, The New York Times Lite)  called it a “catastrophic event”.  The Globe and all Boston media implied we could go weeks before having a fresh flow of water.

  In today’s Boston Globe however , Jeff Jacoby, their Conservative  columnist (which is like being the Yiddish voice of The Hezbollah Gazette)

   came out today in favor of price gouging water in a free market. “Why not?”. he asked. If people will pay it…….

 I couldn’t agree more! 

 If people are too damn lazy to boil the water in a large spaghetti pot, like we did, then who cares! 

 Let them drive around for hours and wait in line 

and punch each other out and pay $2.50 for an 8 oz. bottle of filtered tap water that’s worth maybe four cents, counting the plastic bottle. 

I actually had a neighbor drive forty miles to an IKEA store to try and buy water there , then went to Staples when IKEA was out … and bought 8 cases of bottled water. Unless he’s planning to invite a family of really thirsty hippopotami over for drinks…..or planning to cross the Sahara…..that should last until September…2041. Hope he’s thirsty.

 Nurse, prick that man’s boil!

 

UPDATE: THEY JUST ANNOUNCED  THE CATASTROPHIC CRISIS IS NOW OFFICIALLY OVER AS OF THIS MORNING , TUESDAY MAY 4, 11 AM. THE CATASTROPHE LASTED FOR ALMOST 3  WHOLE DAYS !

 EXCEPT FOR THE FELLOW WHO TRIED TO PURCHASE TWO CASES OF WATER RATHER  THAN ONE AND HAD 24  POLAND SPRING BOTTLES ANALLY INSERTED BY THE CRAZED  ‘ONE CASE PER CUSTOMER’  CROWD….IT PASSED WITHOUT INCIDENT.