“Lasell”-out: report on academia

 Considering that my last blog was about colleges,here’s more news concerning those  noble institutions of higher learning.

 

 After an investigation by the Commonwealth , Lasell College, a small college in Newton MA, has to return $191,000.00 to students because their stinking , rotten admissions/financial aid  department accepted gifts from Citizen’s Bank  from 2003 to 2007  and, in return,  told students that they HAD TO borrow money through CITIZEN’S BANK  even though other lenders were  offering lower rates.

  And, as part of their new ethics curriculum and in their never-ending attempt to show their students what the ‘real world’ is like, Lasell hasn’t fired a single member of their admissions/financial aid  department.

 In response to a question as to why they haven’t been canned, Lasell administration said, “Go fuck yourself. We’re academia.”

 So I went to their website to investigate .

  Here’s a quote from the website ” Each of the nearly 1600 students, and the numerous faculty, staff, and alumni undoubtedly has a different answer to “Why Lasell?”, but they share the conviction that the College is an exciting place to learn, teach, discover your passions, and prepare yourself for future success. We invite you to read on to discover how current students, alumni, parents, and faculty answer the question “Why Lasell?”

  In my own investigation I went to Lasell and asked one of the students on  their diverse campus; a student named Osama Capone  , “Why Lasell? ” to find out for myself

and he answered,

” Dude,  My passion  is to get what I can when I can and so I think that Lasell is perfect for today’s society as it  prepares students like me  for a world where pretty much everyone in business is an untrustworthy douchebag who’ll stab you in the back whenever possible. I plan to do that too.

  Personally, while working as an intern in our ‘admissions and financial aid department’ I’ve learned that if  I kiss enough ass, like our admissions/financial aid department did, I probably won’t even be fired. Did I mention , by the way, how the administration here is such a caring bunch of individuals? They’re terrific. That’s why I, as an intern in the financial aid department, smoke $6.00 cigars , get lots of free blow jobs from whores and eat a lot of steak. And I’m only a sophomore . That’s ‘Why Lasell? ‘ for me”

 After college, Osama hopes to work for The Bank of Kabul. 

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George Mason??? He made a ‘mint’ !

Down at Virginia’s George Mason University, 
young men (students no less)  stole the condoms, dental dams and sexual lubricants from the free basket o’condoms at the student health center.
 
 .
 
They took every last condom and every last dental dam leaving just one bottle of lubricant, at the request of a kid who had walked in during the crime. His name was ‘Red’ Ruffensor and they felt that he needed it more than they did. 
 
 
I’m frankly surprised that they give out condoms at GMU because it’s founding namesake , the original George Mason,  had 12 children…
.
and  he was a founding “Father”
  
Wait, this isn’t funny. It’s crime, dammit, a CRIME!
 
 For those of you who don’t know it,
dental dams are used to practice safe cunnilingus
 
 
and for those of you who don’t know what that is,
it has something to do with the national airline of Ireland….
 
 
 
Regarding the sexual lubricants , these thieves were certainly slippery as they pretended, for the benefit of the receptionist, to have asked the head of the Student Health Center if they could take them all……and then pretended she said ‘OK’ .
 
 
 Now out of budget for condoms, they turned to the school’s Medieval History department to explain it to the students….who gaveeach student a copy of this famed Medieval tome to get them through the ordeal:
 
In days of olde
When knights were bolde
And rubbers weren’t invented.
They dropped their load upon the road
And walked away contented.
 
 But the question remains, “What are the thieves going to do with 200 condoms which,  fyi, were free anyway?”
  
  
 According to the campus police chief, Baron Arms, “The stash won’t last as long as you might think. One of the perps had five penises and though he  may look funny, his pants fit like a glove”
 
Not quitting his day job for comedy , the chief continued , ” The Student Health Center at GMU will probably purchase a condom dispensing machine called “Mr. Willy”.
  
 
Happy -go-lucky Mr. Willy  ( shown above) …or as I like to call him, “Mr. Wishful Thinking”  …. dispenses two condoms at a time.
 
While that currently is one too many for my needs on any given night week, month, I’ll keep that second one  in my wallet should  I pick up a nymphomaniac college cheerleader on my way home from work one night.
 
Considering that GMU is in Virginia,
the state named after Elizabeth, the VIRGIN Queen, 
 I think we need to look carefully at this  “200-condom -at- a time” sexual epidemic in Fairfax which, by no coincidence,  is  just minutes from Washington DC … 
which is where The White House is ……
 
…and that’s where Barack Obama lives.
 
Those damn Kenyans, advocating nothing but sex for our college students instead of studying …… so they become welfare dependent ……eventually becoming socialists like all of Europe and Canada ………. expecting national health care …… which in turn would give out free condoms ……. thus killing future babies.
 
 See, if you connect  the dots, it is plainly shown that
Obama stole the condoms.
 
Or it was the professor with a knife in the bedroom
 
But perhaps there’s a simpler way to solve the namesake -inspired,  ongoing sexual cravings at George Mason with this ancient cryptic message recently discovered by Dan Brown:
 
In days of old
when kids were bold
and it was hell they’re raisin’
The condom basket should be bigger
at a college called George Mason.