Football keeps interrupting the Commercials

First of all, audience, I have been very busy  as my business is exploding upwards, not inwards, hence I haven’t time to write this blog, so,  to all two of you, I thank you for your concern.

 

Watching football yesterday…well, actually I watched the commercials which they kept interrupting for short snippets of NFL football….. these two ads come to mind and I may add them to my Fantasy Advertising League card.

 

1. Burger King now serves breakfast which I guess is a big deal if you’re feeling the need to vomit early in the day …. and the drug store is out of Ipecac.

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To entice you into their stores for breakfast, their never-ending TV ad campaign consists of an very homely , ugly, gawky, awkward , stupid looking moax  playing the flute enticing you, like a call to arms for the Redcoats of 1778, into the store.

Kind of like The Pied Piper enticing the rats in Hamelin…to Burger King for breakfast. Hmmmm. Yeah, I’m there.

The BK guy is so ugly you can almost smell him and why he would be so excited over this tiny bowl of food is beyond me. Well, beats masturbating, I guess…plus he gets fresh air, a little walk.  I’d never go anywhere on this flute-playing dork’s recommendation.

Whatever happened to  average or better-than -average looking  people; folks like me,  endorsing products……. particularly food. It’s like having a leper endorsing bran flakes..

2. Speaking of Redcoats 

explain to me why during the Colts-Chiefs game yesterday, they kept playing the same Ford commercial, sometimes twice per break,. You know which one….The Redcoats suddenly being attacked  by a Ford Truck driving ‘George Washington’ because , as the ad says, America got two things right, Cars and Freedom“.

I understand that Dick Cheney is protesting the ad, ‘Yeah, they make good trucks, but what’s this freedom bullshit?”

Tonight The Vikings play The Jets in between commercials  and I am looking forward to finding out if any more white people follow The Pied Piper of Burger King  to his lair. Maybe once they do, we’ll be rid of them all come the dawn.

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Published in: on October 11, 2010 at 9:12 am  Leave a Comment  
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My “Bikini Area” and Yours

I saw an ad on TV for “The No No” which doesn’t have a damn thing to with ‘Nanette’. 

 
 
 Turns out that The No No ( which , as the instructions clearly state : In order to make it work, you must turn it ‘On On”)  is a device which removes hair painlessly, unlike a razor which removes hair painlessly.
 
 
Wait! Wait.
 I’m a sensitive male and I understand that  women  need hair removed from ‘sensitive’ areas where a blade might go unwanted.
 
In  the ad , this area was called , as spoken by a male announcer, the ‘bikini area”,  an area also known medically  in relation to hair  there ….by males other than the announcer as:
brillo
love rug.
Hairpie
Shag carpet
honey pot
Fuzzy Taco
Bearded Clam 
and other medical terms.
  
Ahh yes, the ‘bikini’ area. 
  
 Hey don’t be mad at me.
 
 It’s just pubic hair around the vagina , a vestigial growth to signal sexual maturity to other primates from when we were all living in trees and caves, as clearly shown below in an illustration from a recent Texas-approved  science textbook
 
and if the “No No” can stupidly name it  “The Bikini area” in the ad, I reserve the right to call the area whatever the hell I want to as well.
  
There used to be a product on the market, maybe it still is, called “Nair”
  
It’s a depillatory.
 You smear it on unwanted hair and it pulls the hair out about as gently as the Indians did with one’s scalp .
 
 
  
My mother used it back in the fifties…and then she used it on me.
  
  
My first  hairs of maturity were not in my “bikini area”, but, rather,  on my upper lip.
 
One night mymother decided to place Nair upon  said area to remove the offensive fuzz.
I was 11.
The old man was away.
She rubbed it in under  my nose and I found out one simple scientific fact…… Nair, to coin a phrase, stinks.
 
It stinks like a rotting corpse .
 
It stinks like lobster shells left out in the heat for a week.
 
 
It stinks like my gym locker in high school ….  times 10.
 
And while it stinks, it removes your hair by some bizarre chemical reaction that pulls each strand out with the maximum of pain, one by one. It’s inventor , Dr. Mengele, still demands royalties in Argentine pesos.
 
 
The old man eventually came home. 
 
 
He told my mother of an invention called the “razor .
  
It works, and I’ve used “the razor” ever since.
 But unlike women,  I never need to use it in my ‘bikini area’ as (Lucky Me)  my  ‘bikini area’  hair doesn’t stick out above my Speedo.
 
 That’s not me.
 
In my case,  
 
 my belly blocks it.