A Penny for your Thoughts

“Out of the clear blue of the Western sky, it’s Sky King……..

 
 
And here are my thoughts, circa 1954 ……I’d like to get a peek up the cowgirl skirt of Sky King’s gorgeaus, blond,wide eyed , cowgirl niece, Penny, as played by GLORIA WINTERS, in the show about the flying, ‘modern day’ rancher “SKY KING” ( played by Kirby Grant) and his plane , “The Songbird” ( played by A. Cessna Aircraft).
 
 
Actually it was a Cessna 310 which, to this day,  is a model  nicknamed “The Songbird” by aviators.
 
  
Here’s “Penny”..ain’t she somethin’?
 
 
 
I am sad to announce , that well into her eighties , “Penny” died last week . She was not wearing her cowgirl skirt at the time. I understand that it was more of a ‘schmata’ housedress when she finally went to that great landing strip in the sky.
 
 Ms. Winters also was the first to play “Babs” , Rileys daughter, when The Life of Riley first came onto TV.. …….    when Riley was played by a very mis-cast Jackie Gleason.
  
The more famous and much much better  William Bendix “Riley” came later.

I just found out that Sky’s official first name was “Schuyler”, hence Penny always calling him “Uncle Sky”  meant more than just a referral to his adventures in the Western Wild Blue……Yonder, pardner
 
The only cowgirl worth her salt, looks-wise,  against pretty Penny was “Annie Oakley” as played by Gail Davis.
 
‘Penny’ remains one of the main reasons that I married a shickseh.
 
I’m still married to my land-bound “Penny”…..but times have changed.
 
Today, if Uncle Sky were buzzing the bad guys like he did on the fifties , he’d be sued for noise pollution and disturbing the cows, not to mention violating the civil rights of the baddies.
 
And , anyway, I don’t think the sky is so clear anymore plus my wife never wears her cowgirl outfit anymore either .
 
 

George Mason??? He made a ‘mint’ !

Down at Virginia’s George Mason University, 
young men (students no less)  stole the condoms, dental dams and sexual lubricants from the free basket o’condoms at the student health center.
 
 .
 
They took every last condom and every last dental dam leaving just one bottle of lubricant, at the request of a kid who had walked in during the crime. His name was ‘Red’ Ruffensor and they felt that he needed it more than they did. 
 
 
I’m frankly surprised that they give out condoms at GMU because it’s founding namesake , the original George Mason,  had 12 children…
.
and  he was a founding “Father”
  
Wait, this isn’t funny. It’s crime, dammit, a CRIME!
 
 For those of you who don’t know it,
dental dams are used to practice safe cunnilingus
 
 
and for those of you who don’t know what that is,
it has something to do with the national airline of Ireland….
 
 
 
Regarding the sexual lubricants , these thieves were certainly slippery as they pretended, for the benefit of the receptionist, to have asked the head of the Student Health Center if they could take them all……and then pretended she said ‘OK’ .
 
 
 Now out of budget for condoms, they turned to the school’s Medieval History department to explain it to the students….who gaveeach student a copy of this famed Medieval tome to get them through the ordeal:
 
In days of olde
When knights were bolde
And rubbers weren’t invented.
They dropped their load upon the road
And walked away contented.
 
 But the question remains, “What are the thieves going to do with 200 condoms which,  fyi, were free anyway?”
  
  
 According to the campus police chief, Baron Arms, “The stash won’t last as long as you might think. One of the perps had five penises and though he  may look funny, his pants fit like a glove”
 
Not quitting his day job for comedy , the chief continued , ” The Student Health Center at GMU will probably purchase a condom dispensing machine called “Mr. Willy”.
  
 
Happy -go-lucky Mr. Willy  ( shown above) …or as I like to call him, “Mr. Wishful Thinking”  …. dispenses two condoms at a time.
 
While that currently is one too many for my needs on any given night week, month, I’ll keep that second one  in my wallet should  I pick up a nymphomaniac college cheerleader on my way home from work one night.
 
Considering that GMU is in Virginia,
the state named after Elizabeth, the VIRGIN Queen, 
 I think we need to look carefully at this  “200-condom -at- a time” sexual epidemic in Fairfax which, by no coincidence,  is  just minutes from Washington DC … 
which is where The White House is ……
 
…and that’s where Barack Obama lives.
 
Those damn Kenyans, advocating nothing but sex for our college students instead of studying …… so they become welfare dependent ……eventually becoming socialists like all of Europe and Canada ………. expecting national health care …… which in turn would give out free condoms ……. thus killing future babies.
 
 See, if you connect  the dots, it is plainly shown that
Obama stole the condoms.
 
Or it was the professor with a knife in the bedroom
 
But perhaps there’s a simpler way to solve the namesake -inspired,  ongoing sexual cravings at George Mason with this ancient cryptic message recently discovered by Dan Brown:
 
In days of old
when kids were bold
and it was hell they’re raisin’
The condom basket should be bigger
at a college called George Mason.

Stop carrying on! That’s the SPIRIT

When my great Uncle Schlomo

 passed away in Atlantic City, I wanted to bury him here in Massachusetts. So I simply waited until he stiffened, put him into a long duffel bag and carried him on board my Spirit Airlines flight.

  I then stuffed him in the overhead bin and brought him back AT NO ADDITIONAL CHARGE to be buried .

Mea culpa…it could be my fault ,but Spirit has just announced that they are charging  $45.00 for any piece of carry-on that doesn’t fit under the seat in front of you.

HMMMM

 They have some nerve and this could be a real problem for me personally as Schlomo’s wife, Aunt Hadassah, isn’t looking too well these days either .

 

 Spirit is blaming the passengers, but in reality, they and the other airlines  are much at fault. They haven’t exactly been using that  ‘sizer’ that says, “if it doesn’t fit in here, check it” .

  Hence, human nature being what it is, people’s carry-ons have gotten larger and larger to the point where bobsleds, anvils and mini-Cooper’s

              

 are regularly brought on board to be stuffed into a space thats approximately the size of a large Tupperware  salad cointainer …..

and all the while, the planes have pretty much gotten smaller and smaller

 …..while adding  more seats per plane.

 If the trend continues, the only item that will actually fit under the seat in front of you is a small envelope ….and they’ll be asking you to please “check your feet” as luggage . 

 So, with the ‘Spirit of ’76’ behind them, Spirit takes the lead

 Here’s what will happen:

 They will either retract the policy amidst public outcry and be remembered as a caring airline which puts passengers first since we only remember the last thing that happened……as in, “There can’t be global warming. It just snowed“.

 OR

 The other airlines will follow suit and charge $50.00 for the carry-on …. and Spirit will be known as the least expensive of the bunch.

Bless them

Remember that this is an industry that once gave you full meals included in the price of your ticket. We all used to complain about the quality of the food. The airlines heard us…… and completely eliminated the meal service .

 

 Now they charge  $6.00 for a bag of Fritos 

 and sometimes add in closing points to the purchase.

 It’s not a safe policy particularly on  cross-country flights. Last time I flew on such a long flight, I  noted that the guy next to me was reading about The Donner Party.

 

 It’s a long, hungry flight.  I asked for a seat change immediately.

US unf-AIRWAYS …”Bad airline, sit, sit, stay!!!”

Many years ago Allegheny Airlines begat US Air which begat US Airways .  

Perhaps they should have used a condom.

 As my friend who writes the blog Obalesque always says about them,

 “US Airways…where the flight attendants are the terrorists”.

  

  Except for the lucky miracle of Captain Sully, most people fly the cattle car because they have to …..and from Philly to Boston, they had to !That’s because the  only non-stop air service to Philly from Boston is on US Scareways …..for which they charge approximately $1100.00 round trip for this 55 minute flight as an ‘advance fare” 

 Not an error, I’ll write it again…$1100.00.

  Now you know (as shown below) why God created AMTRAK’s Acela train .

 

  above) God creates the first Amtrak conductor, i.e.,the guy on the left . You should have seen how he punched your ticket!

BUT WAIT, beginning in June Southwest Airlines is going to offer the same exact route for $118.00 round trip

 

YAY SOUTHWEST !!!!

Lets see, subtract $118.00 from $1100.00, carry the one, er uh….hmm….that’s a $982.00 savings.

  Or in Philly talk, that be a lifetime of hoagies!

 And that’s just one roundtrip …..suppose you went twice,

   My God (yes, him again) that ‘s  $ 1964.00.

OR A LIFETIME OF TASTYKAKES

  

 NOW GET THIS……When Southwest announced this yesterday, US Scareways immediately applied for a $59.00 one way fare too.

Gee, I wonder where the  greedy bastards  got that idea?

 So let’s see,  US Scareways can fly the route for $59.00 one way, but they chose to charge $550.00 for the same reason that a dog licks it crotch ……..

….Because they could!

 Thank you , Southwest.

  Here’s a picture of the new US AIRWAYS flight attendants uniform once their new $59.00 fare to Philly from Boston becomes a reality. 

It stops the staff’s infernal  licking!