Jurassic Salmon

In Waltham , Massachusetts, nicknamed “The Watch City” because it’s major industry when it had industry  was “watch and timepiece manufacturing”, there’s a company called  “AQUA BOUNTY”, not to be mixed up with Aqua Velva, though in the end, their products may taste alike


Aqua Bounty has genetically engineered a gigantic salmon nicknamed,” Frankenfish”  ….. and it is causing an uproar because it just ate downtown Waltham.

 No ,it didn’t.  I’m just joshin’ you.

“Frank” was just approved by the FDA which declared that the  fish was safe to eat.
Interesting because ‘Frank’ , the giant salmon that ate Waltham, was declared safe to eat as a drug, not as a food…as it was The FDA’s Veterinary Medicine Advisory Committee that oversaw the hearings. 

In other words, ,enjoy it with a delicious glass of Frontline.

‘Frank’, in all fairness, answers several needs ; the most important being  that it allows us to never run out of salmon … which is important for my bagel.
 It should be noted that all things change over time.
For example,  bagel manufacturers  now use a machine to make the hole as opposed to using a well hung moyel; another modern improvement on an “ages old” tradition.

Now they’re changing the fish!
The giant salmon , we’re told, are bred to be sterile, but a certain percentage are not …  which means if they ever get loose they’ll eat all the other fish , and then probably turn against us, create pens for us, and start serving us in “Salmon Only” restaurants as ‘Human Almondine’.

And how fucking embarassing will it be to go swimming and be eaten by a giant salmon.

Not to worry, they’ll fuck this up somewhere along the line,  even though I honestly believe Aqua Bounty has no intention of doing that. 
They call it “Chaos Theory”
Remember that the scientist played by  Richard Attenbourough in “Jurassic Park” only bred females too, ahem


Well, at least  he got a three movie deal with Spielberg.

Its not just good…its Grrrr-ape

Just in case you didn’t know it, the following ingredients are in ‘Stop and Shop” grocery store’s house brand of Diet Grape Soda…

Carbonated Water ( so far so good)
Tartaric Acid (This can’t be good for you)
Citric Acid ( Citrus..ok.)
Potassium Citrate
Aspartame ( I read something about this . Oh yeah, it wipes out the engravings on tombstones)
Potassium Benzoate ( It is not pronounced “pot-ass-eeyum”, by the way. )
Natural and Artificial Flavor ( ah, natural)
Grape Juice Concentrate ( How about that…very natural)
Gum Acacia (  And I thought it was a piece of old Juicy Fruit floating around in it ) ,
Red 40 and Blue 1 ( which obviously equals ‘purple’)
It was .79 cents for  a 2 liter container so I bought it ….. since I haven’t had grape soda in probably 30 years.
 I drank the entire two liters in three days  because it reminded me of my youth when we played with dry cleaning plastic bags as spacesuits……and it was horribly wonderful ; except for choking on the Juicy Fruit thingie when it went right down my throat on the last gulp..
Did I mention it also contained 25 mg of salt.
Yes, salt, God damnit!
  So that’s why I was so thirsty when  I finished my drink.
Look , it was only seventy-nine cents ! Once every thirty years !
I could have bought this brand.
At least, the name says it all !
Published in: on August 4, 2010 at 4:26 pm  Comments (3)  
Tags: , , , , , , ,

When the Lord gives you lemons…..

At a restaurant called American Joe’s , Webeneezer was enjoying a meal with two friends when one of the friends asked for a refill of his beverage which was  an  ‘Arnold Palmer’


( a mix of iced tea and lemonade, the “Shirley Temple” for aging baby boomers who  have diarrhea when they are anywhere near  hard liquor.

Me, I’m a real man. Call me “Montana” . I was drinking ice tea.

Lemonade is for pussies , but I digress.

  Suddenly the wait-person ( how non-sexist)  informed us that while ice tea refills are free and never-ending, because there is lemonade in the ‘Arnold Palmer”, one is charged for each individual refill, i.e., the cost of the entire drink.

Looking at the table, I couldn’t help but notice that there were several lemon slices from my iced tea on my little detritus dish that they gave me, plenty of sugar and sugar substitute on the table …and water….all free and as much as you wanted . They were charging for lemonade refills yet they were giving away all the components of lemonade for free.

 +  +

This looks like a job for Webeneezer ,Lois.

I called  the manager to my table and demanded an explanation for this economic outrage ,i.e., corporations running wild at the expense of the consumer.

“Somebody has to hand-make the lemonade”, she explained.

I asked if iced tea occurred naturally where she was from? 

She laughed.

A group of laughing wait-persons gathered around us. Finally one chimed in that while the parts were free, with each refill we were paying for labor.

Hmm, dat be a lot of labor for each glass of lemonade , but it does lead to full employment

as in “I was a high-tech engineer, now I hand squeeze lemonade at American Joe’s ( a fine restaurant, I might add) and I’m making twice as much.”

Their final argument…..even if Toyota gave you the all the parts of the car for free…everything…if you wanted them to build you two of them, they’d charge you for two.

HEAD OVER TO MY SECOND BLOG….. www. wwjdo.wordpress.com  ( a very funny look at the world through Jewish eyes) for more info on this thrilling topic starting tomorrow .




Published in: on January 28, 2010 at 1:10 pm  Leave a Comment  
Tags: , , , , , , , ,