Come to your CENSUS, Man

The United States government is $12 Trillion dollars in debt or to say it in ‘America-speak’, “12 Trillion Whopper Juniors”  worth.


  So to make sure that both you and your community get their fair share of the money that the government doesn’t have, yesterday

The US Census Bureau

sent me and probably 100 million others a one page  letter telling me (and the 100 million others) that next week the census information is coming …  to take it seriously and fill out all the information correctly when it arrives and send it back ASAP. In other words, the government is asking us to be efficient because its important.


   That’s like Hitler telling me

 to be sure and attend Yom Kippur services this year!

  Efficient ??? Why didn’t they just include the letter with the census packet next week where it would say , Please fill all this out quickly and responsibly because its important and return ASAP”.

  But nooooo! Bob Groves, US Census Director, decided to kill a forest or two and also singlehandedly make sure the US Postal Service made a small profit this week at your expense when he said to his assistant,

 “Er Susie, run down to the post office and get me 100 million Forever stamps, the one with the bell on it”

  Our government at work.

 Yesterday I tried to call the IRS. I was amazed Franz Kafka didn’t answer the phone personally.

 Every time I was given  an automated menu list in order to push the  correct number on my dial pad, it created another menu of 5-10 choices. I was on my sixth list  when it said, “Now select from these seven choices”.

   I picked ‘choice 8’ which was ” hang up the fucking phone”.

Why can’t they just answer the phone? Ah, because what goes around comes around. According to the last Census, because you weren’t efficent, the IRS proportioned only one IRS operator per every 20 million people, giving them a grand total of six operators,

because you didn’t return your census report on time and they thought that there were only 120 million people in the country.

Obviously, for the real amount of US population  we need at least 8 operators at the IRS so they can answer the phone and be efficient , so, for this census,


 I promise that me, my 14 current wives and 386 dependent children will send back the Census info quickly and responsibly as a monument to efficiency.

 And ,Mr. Groves,  now that we’re pen pals, I plan to drop your name when the IRS comes to get me for not paying my taxes properly because they wouldn’t answer the phone.


The fed who arrests me, I’m sure, will have a great pension and healthcare plan at my expense, just like you do….getting his fair share from the government for fucking up everything using my dollars……which they proportioned based on the census which helped set the tax rate per citizen who swallowed a fly.


Green Sex

A gentleman is sitting  next to a beautiful young lady on an airplane  and they start to chat. She says,” My name is Brittany , I’m a cheerleader and the best sex I’ve ever had has been  with either American Indians or Jewish guys. By the way what’s your name?”
He answered, ” I’m Tonto Goldstein”.
Regarding  self serving answers, just today my beautiful wife asked me what I wanted for dinner tonight. “How about salad of some sort”, she suggested .
I answered, “Sure,  sounds good” and just like Tonto Goldstein above, I gave my self serving answer, “How about pumpkin seeds, ginger, oysters, and celery.”
 I know what I’m doing!
According to ( which cites The Chicago Tribune) the above named natural foods  bring about a stronger libido…. as part of a movement called
“Green Sex
 ,i.e., sex with the natural environment in mind! 
That’s usually why I have sex…..orgasms are natural, aren’t they.
So instead of big pharma making a mint on my ever-softening ding ding, I decided to eat my greens, so to speak. 
I always thought green sex meant fumbling about in the back seat of our Chevy Impala in 1966 trying to find the secret combination to unhooking “The  DaVinci Code of Undergarments”, the female brassiere.
I was wrong. That’s bad sex.
Green sex endorses natural items  like those listed below by Newser,
my comments in RED. Here they are :
Vegan Condoms: Most condoms contain the milk protein casein, but a select few are made with no animal byproducts at all.
I always thought sheep membrane  was the way to go, but now I find out its really Baa’d

 Organic Aphrodisiacs: Stuff like pumpkin seeds, ginger, oysters, and celery can all rev up your sex drive.

 See, told ya so.

I’ll let you know how it works right after I finish dinner with my widdle  Business Lady tonight, shown returning home after another miserable day.


and here she is , after dinner 
Yeah, it worked.
Don’t forget to saute’ the pumpkin seeds
Speaking of whips, natural whips are available too.
If you’re being whipped and tortured I would think the origin of the whip would be the last thing on your mind. Torture whips signed by Dick Cheney, fyi, are more expensive 
  • Natural Lube: Most conventional lubes contain toxic ingredients that have been linked to yeast infections. 
  •  This goes a long way to explaining  why my penis is bright red most of the time.I was using WD40


   Solar Vibrator:

This didn’t work at all!

 It really annoyed the neighbors particularly on cloudy days. Here we are waiting for the sun to come out while our neighbors call 911.

But , like everything else GREEN , who cares if its annoying when it’s for the good of all.