A Penny for your Thoughts

“Out of the clear blue of the Western sky, it’s Sky King……..

 
 
And here are my thoughts, circa 1954 ……I’d like to get a peek up the cowgirl skirt of Sky King’s gorgeaus, blond,wide eyed , cowgirl niece, Penny, as played by GLORIA WINTERS, in the show about the flying, ‘modern day’ rancher “SKY KING” ( played by Kirby Grant) and his plane , “The Songbird” ( played by A. Cessna Aircraft).
 
 
Actually it was a Cessna 310 which, to this day,  is a model  nicknamed “The Songbird” by aviators.
 
  
Here’s “Penny”..ain’t she somethin’?
 
 
 
I am sad to announce , that well into her eighties , “Penny” died last week . She was not wearing her cowgirl skirt at the time. I understand that it was more of a ‘schmata’ housedress when she finally went to that great landing strip in the sky.
 
 Ms. Winters also was the first to play “Babs” , Rileys daughter, when The Life of Riley first came onto TV.. …….    when Riley was played by a very mis-cast Jackie Gleason.
  
The more famous and much much better  William Bendix “Riley” came later.

I just found out that Sky’s official first name was “Schuyler”, hence Penny always calling him “Uncle Sky”  meant more than just a referral to his adventures in the Western Wild Blue……Yonder, pardner
 
The only cowgirl worth her salt, looks-wise,  against pretty Penny was “Annie Oakley” as played by Gail Davis.
 
‘Penny’ remains one of the main reasons that I married a shickseh.
 
I’m still married to my land-bound “Penny”…..but times have changed.
 
Today, if Uncle Sky were buzzing the bad guys like he did on the fifties , he’d be sued for noise pollution and disturbing the cows, not to mention violating the civil rights of the baddies.
 
And , anyway, I don’t think the sky is so clear anymore plus my wife never wears her cowgirl outfit anymore either .
 
 

The Ink is Black. The Page is White.


 I rented the old Amos and Andy show from TV via Netflix and watched Episodes 1 and 2 .

 In Episode 1, Kingfish (aka George Stevens)  is trying to marry off his mother in law so he arranges  a makeover for her at Madame Olga’s Salon.

 Madame Olga: Mr. Stevens,  you seem to think this will be a very tough job, why?

 Kingfish:(very slowly) Uhh, tell me dere, Madame Olga, has you ever seen a grapefruit dats been washed up on de beach and been layin’ dere for a week, all covered wif sand and seaweed and getting drier and more wrinked by de minute.

 Madame Olga: Yes I have.

Kingfish: Well, if you can makes her look dat good, I’d be most appreciative.

 

 In the other episode  , he ‘sells’ Andy to a company for a $200.00 employment agency fee  to dig ditches in Saudi Arabia and walks him onto  the ship……. trying to convince him that  its a cruise line:

 Andy : Tell me Kingfish , why they have all these shovels on board?

 Kingfish: Andy, you never been on a cruise ship befo , has you? They fo’ the deck game of  “shovelboard.”

 Please note the way I wrote it with the over-kill “Negro dialect” which is the exact way it was performed…which is what made it absolutely  despicable .

Which begs the question, how come I was screaming laughing the whole time.

Wait, I know, I’m  white,

Yep, just checked again…I’m still white.

Ahh, white people. 

It turns out that The  “Amos and Andy”  TV show was written by Bob Mosher and Joe Connolly , the same writing team that produced and wrote the ultimate white man’s show:

 Leave it to Beaver ,

 

 as well as

The Munsters, 

 

 Ichabod and Me, and other sicoms as well .

 They’re white.

 So were the originators on radio, Freeman Gosden and Charles Correll. 

 

 And, in their writing ,  I noticed this….interestingly,  the only perenially stereotyped characters were Kingfish, Andy, Lightning ( the “Steppin Fetchit’ type janitor) and the ‘pseudo’ lawyer, Algionquin J. Calhoun. Every other African American character including Amos was intelligent , well spoken , and usually professional. Go figure.

 The NAACP wanted the TV show  off the air. Who can blame them with all the eyeball-rolling etc ?  But when it left the air, it did take with it pretty much  all the acting jobs for blacks on TV until Diahann Carroll and Bill Cosby came along at least ten years later.

 So , why am I still laughing at it.

Lets take away the dialect and see if it’s still funny.

I may change a few things, btw…..:

Ralph  is trying to marry off his mother in law so he arranges  a makeover for her at Madame Olga’s Salon.

 Madame Olga: Mr. Kramden ,  you seem to think this will be a very tough job, why?

Norton: If I may, Ralphie boy. Tell me , Madame Olga, have you ever seen a grapefruit that’s  been washed up on the beach and been laying there for a week, all covered with sand and seaweed and getting drier and more wrinked by the  minute.

 Madame Olga: Yes I have

Norton: Well, if you can make his mother-in-law  look that good, that’d be terrific

 The other line: , Ralph sells Norton  to a company for a $200.00 employment fee  to dig ditches in Saudi Arabia and walks him onto  the ship……. trying to convince him that  its a cruise line:

 Norton : Tell me Ralphie Boy  , why do they have all these shovels on board?

 Ralph: Norton, haven’t you ever heard of ‘shovelboard.”

 Substitute The Racoons

 for The Mystic Knights of the Sea……and it’ll play forever.

The greatest parody of the whole genre is Spike Lee’s movie BAMBOOZLED which no one I know has seen, but me. It’s great,…and please watch the full end credit roll and prepare for your jaw to drop.

 

And in one of the oddest turns of events ever. the feature film of The Honeymooners featured an All Black cast as the headliners.

 What goes around……hmm dere, Andy…..comes around , indeed !!!

Perhaps the Joe Goebbels production of  The Producers with “Springtime for Churchill” as the foil, would be funny to you.

Well, then,  you’ve got some nerve, you  racist,bigoted, anti-semitic son of a bitch!.

Oh, next week, I’ll be watching Disc 2 of A & A.

Got Religion ?

Go over and read the blog called “Obalesque”,  listed to the right in my blogroll  (a  blog roll, btw,  is great with coffee and jam I might add),

  

 and read about how the Imam’s of Saudi Arabia have declared that a gentleman can get close to a woman who is not his relative by making her a relative , simply by drinking her breast milk.

 

 Hence “Hey baby, got two nipples for a dime” has become the  hot, new  ‘pick up’ line in Riyadh.

 Ah, religion !

 Last week I watched a show on The Science Channel  called  “Through The Wormhole”  narrated by Morgan Freeman

 whose voice is so reassuring that he could talk you through surgery without anesthetic;  which I beleve is part of The Republican Healthcare Plan.

The subject of this first episode was “Religion vs Science” as to the creator of it all and discussed if they are at all compatible since science is based on mathematical certainty and absolute logic … whereas religion is based on power-hungry, illogical horseshit.

 

 Great show …. and it talked about how many scientists , paricularly  neurologists,  believe that when man  first realized that he would die …keep in mind we are the only species that understands this……our brain and our neurons and  our synapsis  adjusted  and created the possibility of a  ‘something’ controlling us and the possibility of an afterlife…other wise, what’s the point of it all? .

 It’s the idea that religion is ingrained into the psyche by nature itself ; it being a neurological need to assure survival of the species because, otherwise, knowing you’re going to die…well. we’d all be Woody Allen ! 

 Like his character Alvy Singer said in “Annie Hall”, to paraphrase, ‘What’s the point. In ten billion years, the sun’ll burn out and that’ll be that anyway”.

 

 Somehow , mentally, we had to cope…..so we created religion which begat a bunch of murdering, child abusing, women-hating, illogical, power hungry thugs to guide us through it;  going on for 2,000 years now and actually long before …witness Stonehenge.

 “If you build it, He will come”, said the Priests ..or at least the tourists will !

 Hence religions of all shapes and sizes have survived through the ages and to this day we continually fight over who has the better imaginary friend, simply because we stupidly realized we’re all gonna die anyway, which begat the funeral industry.

Enjoy your weekend and your eventual dirt nap.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s new best girlfriend

So Obama nominates a “Lainie”  for The Supreme Court ,
Lainie Kagan.
 
 
 
No, that ain’t her.
That’s Lainie Kazan whose birthday coincidentally  is today, May 15th.
 This is the nominee, Elena Kagan.
 
 Gertrude Berg redux 
 
That’s not so bad actually. Gertrude Berg, whom probably 3% of you ever heard of, was a major media force from the 1920’s on radio through to 1962.  She died in 1966 when, I believe, she acccidentally ingested one of my mother’s matzohballs.
Most of the time , women outlive their men, but in her case, her husband  lived another 20 years. He probably enjoyed the quiet.
 
There’s an old joke about the kid who comes home from Hebrew School and proudly tells his parents over dinner  that he got a role in the school play .
 
 His mom asks , “What role did they give you?”.
 
The kid responds, “I play the role of the Jewish husband.”.
 
His dadasks, “How come they didn’t give you a speaking role?”
 
 
  I can imagine the upcoming Kagan confirmation herrings, er  hearings since its so hard for the ‘Pubs to find something she’s written or decided.
 She’ll handle it….
 
“Tutelah, who care’s if you’re orange?
 So they won’t stop abortions. Here, have some soup. We’ll talk , you’ll vote and by the way, I have to ask , why are you orange? Who do you think you are changing skin color, Michael Johnson?”
 
 
 
The hearings should be interesting as the Republican’s push their Marxist agenda with their Marxist motto  ,
 
 Whatever it is, I’m against it 
  
 as sung by Mr. Marx himself  (above) in “Horsefeathers”
 
 If they can’t find any bad stuff, they’ll harp on the fact that she didn’t say much and that they can’t find anything. See, ‘harp’ing…. 
 
 more Marxism !

But I guess silence can be golden. It’s worth noting that their favorite Great Black Dope, Sooo-preme Court Justice  Clarence Thomas has yet to say even a single word from the bench in the 20 years he’s been on it .

Rumor has it that he did once.
In 1999 at a meeting , after 8 years on the bench, he finally said two words, “Bench Hard” and legend has it that Justice Rehnquist told him to stop bitching all the time.
He’s been quiet ever since
 
 
It should be great theater as my favorite flock of self-serving spineless , boneless chickens  aka The US Senate, grills her intensely .
 
Reminds me of the old joke about the old Jewish lady who asks the kosher butcher for a chicken.  
He hands her a dead , skinned chicken…
 
and she proceeds to sniff  under the chicken’s wings, opens it beak and sniffs,  and then turns it over  and sniffs it’s crotch.
 
She hands it back to the butcher and says in her Yiddish accent, “I don’t want this chicken. It’s rotten!”
 
The butcher takes it back and says,
“No problem Lady , just one question…could you pass that test?”
 
Good morning, Senator…could you ?

Good God !

What a hysterical Easter weekend .

 Both Jesus and tempers seem to be rising as The Catholic Church ,aka “NAMBLA in vestments”  looks to protect their favorite former Hitler Youth.

  The Pope’s personal chaplain, The Right Reverend Ben Dover,declared  at Good Friday services at The Vatican yesterday  that (to paraphrase) blaming the Pope for the sex abuse scandal (even though he knew about pretty much all of it and did nothing, allowing abuse to happen again and again) is just like  anti-Semitism ( hating a group for the sake of hatingi.e., Blaming people , any people, who carry no responsibility for what you’re blaming them for).

 

 In another use of this logic he also believes that blaming John Wilkes Booth for the assassination of Lincoln is the same as genocide in Armenia .

 Since basically everybody went nuts at that statement by the imbecilic, self-serving putz who said it, the church is now saying that it is not the official stance of the Vatican.

That’s true !  

The official stance is on your knees with your ass in the air.

In other Happy Easter news,

way down in the Phillipines, 23 screwballs nailed themselves to crosses  so they could suffer like Jesus who, I am sure, given the choice would have rather spent the day at the mall. And at “Canal Number Two,Guyana”, a 15 year old  died after a local pastor tried to exorcise the demons causing her convulsions.

Well, they did stop the convulsions.

 

And in other movie/God news, most critics gave the remake of  “CLASH OF THE TITANS’ (the new 3-D movie) absolutely terrible reviews.

Why?

Obviously because its a religious film ….about ancient Greek Gods, though it shows a certain modern religious sensitivity opening on Good Friday.

Just so you know, the film is based on Greek mythology … about the Titans who were Greek Gods overthrown by the Olympians  in the Olympian’s quest for power. The Titans were a race of powerful deities …and they were the descendants of Gaia and Uranus,

 And so , on this Easter weekend, we see how most religions are inter-linked , considering that the story of “Uranus” 

opened on a Catholic holiday weekend..

Gimme that ol’ time religion

Nine alleged members of a Christian militia were arrested 

the other day as they girded up for battle against some non-Christian forces, like those well-known anti-Christians, the police .

  

Their goal, in the name of Christianity, was to kill a cop and then blow up many, many more at the police officer’s funeral.

 Sadly, Jesus didn’t exactly apply for membership in the group.

 What seems to have set them off is the new Healthcare law which , for all it’s goofy flaws, has a stated purpose of caring for everybody ; something  which Jesus probably would have approved of…..He being his brother’s keeper and a rather caring individual, what with taking over the family business and all.  So, in the name of Jesus , these creeps are angry as hell because they’d have to take care of their brothers and sisters.

 And so, once again, the total illogic of religion comes to mind.

 It’s a big week for religions of all sorts..

 For example, yesterday was the first day of Passover when Jews are reminded that there was ,in fact, a great leader of men …..named  Cecil B. DeMille who directed  The Ten Commandments. the 1956 flick starring the one and only Charlton Heston as Moses who led the Jews from Egypt ……..who then trumped around  for forty years in a teeny tiny geographical area before stumbling on The Promised Land which was maybe forty five miles away from where they started. Hence we learn that the Jews were never good with directions.

  I went to a non-denominational ‘seder’ last night because I will sit through anything for briskit. We went through the usual bullshit. The seder has been updated recently since a) the Jews now control Jerusalem for which we prayed to return to ; the traditional ending of the seder being  “Next year in Jerusalem” and b) we all recognized that the Jews are are no longer slaves, unless you’re one who invested with Bernie Madoff.

 We were also  reminded that it isn’t just us that we are ‘seder’ing’ for, but for all the people who are controlled by others and forced to live a crappy  life under the control of others, without ever mentioning  the poor Palestinians who are 2nd class citizens in their own land because Israel is a land grabbing theocracy. But again, it’s the briskit that matters!

 And on that note, it’s Catholic Holy Week

, or as this year’s motto clearly states, “Lets put the rat back in Ratzinger”. 

 

Yep, Pope BendaDICK, (the former Cardinal Ratzinger and head pederast), commented that the Milwaukee perversions on deaf boys by that creepy son of a bitch priest, now deceased, in America’s Dairyland was just a “frivolous rumor”. He said this because, after carefully reading the scriptures, he realized that he’s the bastard who covered it all up. 

Hmmm, maybe the Pope’s team, his men in black 

 should, instead of raping kids, masturbate more often. Take the pressure off, so to speak.

I sent them a slogan for this year’s Easter Parade,

“Let’s put the Palm back in Palm Sunday”,

but I never heard a word back.

They must be busy coloring eggs.

 

 

Come to your CENSUS, Man

The United States government is $12 Trillion dollars in debt or to say it in ‘America-speak’, “12 Trillion Whopper Juniors”  worth.

     

  So to make sure that both you and your community get their fair share of the money that the government doesn’t have, yesterday

The US Census Bureau

sent me and probably 100 million others a one page  letter telling me (and the 100 million others) that next week the census information is coming …  to take it seriously and fill out all the information correctly when it arrives and send it back ASAP. In other words, the government is asking us to be efficient because its important.

 

   That’s like Hitler telling me

 to be sure and attend Yom Kippur services this year!

  Efficient ??? Why didn’t they just include the letter with the census packet next week where it would say , Please fill all this out quickly and responsibly because its important and return ASAP”.

  But nooooo! Bob Groves, US Census Director, decided to kill a forest or two and also singlehandedly make sure the US Postal Service made a small profit this week at your expense when he said to his assistant,

 “Er Susie, run down to the post office and get me 100 million Forever stamps, the one with the bell on it”

  Our government at work.

 Yesterday I tried to call the IRS. I was amazed Franz Kafka didn’t answer the phone personally.

 Every time I was given  an automated menu list in order to push the  correct number on my dial pad, it created another menu of 5-10 choices. I was on my sixth list  when it said, “Now select from these seven choices”.

   I picked ‘choice 8’ which was ” hang up the fucking phone”.

Why can’t they just answer the phone? Ah, because what goes around comes around. According to the last Census, because you weren’t efficent, the IRS proportioned only one IRS operator per every 20 million people, giving them a grand total of six operators,

because you didn’t return your census report on time and they thought that there were only 120 million people in the country.

Obviously, for the real amount of US population  we need at least 8 operators at the IRS so they can answer the phone and be efficient , so, for this census,

 

 I promise that me, my 14 current wives and 386 dependent children will send back the Census info quickly and responsibly as a monument to efficiency.

 And ,Mr. Groves,  now that we’re pen pals, I plan to drop your name when the IRS comes to get me for not paying my taxes properly because they wouldn’t answer the phone.

 

The fed who arrests me, I’m sure, will have a great pension and healthcare plan at my expense, just like you do….getting his fair share from the government for fucking up everything using my dollars……which they proportioned based on the census which helped set the tax rate per citizen who swallowed a fly.

Lost VeriZons

There’s an old joke:

How do you cure a Jewish nymphomaniac?

Answer: Marry her.

 In other words, be careful what you wish for ! 

Here’s another old one , from Groucho Marx,

  “I’d never join any group that would have me as a member!”

 And here’s a newer joke:

 How do you become  a Verizon “Elite” customer ?

Answer: Don’t become a customer of Verizon!

 THE BACKGROUND

In a miracle comparable only to The Red Sea parting,

our current phone, cable  and Internet provider , Comcast, actually came through as I stuck with them while my phone and Internet went off  8 x  over 21 days and after 7 – count ’em – 7 service calls, they amazingly  fixed it … and  gave us  a very heavily discounted month for our troubles , just as they should have, complete with the direct phone numbers of their advanced customer service agents should troubles start again. God bless Kim!.

 But since we were never sure that they could fix it,  we had also called verizon,

 their competitor, and arranged a full installation ( phone, Internet, cable)  for March 1.

 But Comcast fixed it for good so far and so  , just yesterday, we called Verizon and cancelled the installation with an agent who I am sure looked just like this

.

 BUT THEN….. like magic  we were immediately switched from that agent to  an ‘Elite customer’service agent who I’m sure looked like this …

and who sweetly asked ,  “Since you are an “elite customer” , what can we do to get your business?”.

 Well, since they asked, we suggested a course of action that was ,ahem, favorable to us…and they said they’d get back to us.

But,  here’s the dilemma…I’m not a Verizon customer and I know that the instant that I become a customer of Verizon , I will immediately lose my ELITE  status as a Verizon customer because I would then be a Verizon customer  ……. and frankly, I have come to enjoy my ELITE customer status because I’m not one.

 

 Verizon trucks which used to whiz by now stop and ask if I need anything at the grocery store. The other day a technician showed up unexpectedly and asked if we needed any jars opened .  A few others offered to walk the dog and if it snows tomorrow, they promised to come shovel. We already have our invite to the Verizon July 4th picnic and they’re going to drive us over and take us back in the bucket on their bucket truck.

  Wheeeeeee.

 I like being an ELITE customer.

Good customer service is so rare.

Too bad they don’t use it on the customers.

Published in: on February 23, 2010 at 8:22 am  Comments (3)  
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A JUicy bit of subliminal gossip

Leviticus, the bible book, was brought up by my non-religious friend Rubinstein . We assumed he was referring to Spartacus’ third cousin, once removed. But he wasn’t.

He brought it up  because he was studying for  a Jewish history class he’s taking . …at a small storefront synagogue in an Irish neighborhood in Cambridge…..a synagogue called Torah Lora Lora.

Okay that part was a pun , but he is taking the course at a small synagogue and the question is “why” since he’s isn’t the slightest bit religious!

So myself and our other buddy John  asked him and, so help me, he answered,” It was last June and my friend Judith who I know from my Ju-Jitsu class asked me if I wanted to go with her to the history class. I don’t know why I said “yes”.

“Hmm”, said our good pal, John the Pagan,”  Let me see. Her name is JUdith, you’re in JU-Jitsu class with her and it was in JUne and you have no idea why you went to the class on JEWish history. Hard to believe you said ‘yes”.

Now we know why!

He’s too easily swayed… Rubinstein is…. because upon further questioning we learned , he yearns  to go to JUneau, his favorite movie is JUmanji 

and he hopes someday to name a son after him,’ JUnior”, but he worries that he might become a JUvenile delinquent.

 His favorite candy is JUJUBees

.

 …and you get the point .

Obviously JUdith , the Mata Hari of the Martial Arts , knew he could be easily swayed by the  subliminal, as shown in the left foreleg of the camel below from a Camel pack of cigarettes, which Rubinstein now smokes …..

.         

in hopes of humping JUdith. It all ties together .This camel obviously lives in Egypt which is near Israel and , after Rubinstein paid his tuition, that’s where the guy who runs the class left to..with the juition, I mean tuition,  money.

In other words, Egypt him …. and JUdith went with him.

Published in: on January 29, 2010 at 1:25 am  Comments (2)  
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Orthodox Jew causes Airline Scare or Welcome to the Bizarro Planet

 
Typical Jewish terrorist pictured above
 
A 17-year-old passenger inadvertently caused a scare aboard a US Airways flight from New York to Louisville on Thursday morning. The young flyer, an Orthodox Jew, was wearing an article of clothing that some on the plane feared might be an explosive device.

In reality, it was a simple religious item called phylacteries. Here’s what happened. According to Reuters, another passenger mistook the phylacteries, also called a t’fillin in Hebrew, for a bomb. Phylacteries consist of two leather boxes with straps attached. “Observant Jewish men are required to place one box on their head and tie the other one on their arm each weekday morning.”

  

Webeneezer still has his old, beat upT’fillin , last used 50 years ago. Now  I need to find a place to refill my little boxes.

 There’s one place to go. 

To a “T’fillin’ Station.  

I never liked Phylactories.

Thats why Mrs Scrooge was on the pill for so many years. I can never open the damn thing fast enough…too much pressure on me.

 

 

If a Jew wants to sneak explosives onto a plane, they simply eat cabbage and gefilte fish with horse radish prior to takeoff. Ask my friend, Mrs Klotz about Mr Klotz, if you don’t believe me.  In this case , the actual Jew explodes.

Don’t worry about the phylactories.

Published in: on January 21, 2010 at 11:25 pm  Leave a Comment  
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