“Lasell”-out: report on academia

 Considering that my last blog was about colleges,here’s more news concerning those  noble institutions of higher learning.

 

 After an investigation by the Commonwealth , Lasell College, a small college in Newton MA, has to return $191,000.00 to students because their stinking , rotten admissions/financial aid  department accepted gifts from Citizen’s Bank  from 2003 to 2007  and, in return,  told students that they HAD TO borrow money through CITIZEN’S BANK  even though other lenders were  offering lower rates.

  And, as part of their new ethics curriculum and in their never-ending attempt to show their students what the ‘real world’ is like, Lasell hasn’t fired a single member of their admissions/financial aid  department.

 In response to a question as to why they haven’t been canned, Lasell administration said, “Go fuck yourself. We’re academia.”

 So I went to their website to investigate .

  Here’s a quote from the website ” Each of the nearly 1600 students, and the numerous faculty, staff, and alumni undoubtedly has a different answer to “Why Lasell?”, but they share the conviction that the College is an exciting place to learn, teach, discover your passions, and prepare yourself for future success. We invite you to read on to discover how current students, alumni, parents, and faculty answer the question “Why Lasell?”

  In my own investigation I went to Lasell and asked one of the students on  their diverse campus; a student named Osama Capone  , “Why Lasell? ” to find out for myself

and he answered,

” Dude,  My passion  is to get what I can when I can and so I think that Lasell is perfect for today’s society as it  prepares students like me  for a world where pretty much everyone in business is an untrustworthy douchebag who’ll stab you in the back whenever possible. I plan to do that too.

  Personally, while working as an intern in our ‘admissions and financial aid department’ I’ve learned that if  I kiss enough ass, like our admissions/financial aid department did, I probably won’t even be fired. Did I mention , by the way, how the administration here is such a caring bunch of individuals? They’re terrific. That’s why I, as an intern in the financial aid department, smoke $6.00 cigars , get lots of free blow jobs from whores and eat a lot of steak. And I’m only a sophomore . That’s ‘Why Lasell? ‘ for me”

 After college, Osama hopes to work for The Bank of Kabul. 

I’ll Take Sweden…The wonders of IKEA

I promised I’d write about the last part of our anniversary last Saturday which was far better than our COMCAST morning. I wanted to go somewhere different; somewhere very organized and well -run after that horrible experience …..but sadly, both Boston City Hall and The Massachusetts Statehouse were closed .

My wife asked me where I wanted to go in the afternoon and , believe it or not, I said “IKEA”

since we had never been to an IKEA in our lives because … a) we never lived near an IKEA …. which seems to open in whatever city we’re in…… the day after we leave and b) my wife hates to shop.

Well, lemme tell you, I wear the skirts and sports bras  in this family and I like to shop, so off we went ( finally) ;  her begrudgingly…… and me cursing the traffic all way to to their Stoughton store , about an hour from our house in the south suburbs of  Boston.

I cannot imagine a better way to spend an anniversary than this……driving amidst Cape Cod bound traffic in the middle of a burning hot  afternoon with a woman who hates to shop in big box stores and who is having her hip replaced this coming Thursday.

Oh wait, inserting a hot cheese grater up my ass, that might be better,  but besides that …this was pretty damn good.

IT WAS WORTH IT.

IKEA’s Stoughton store  is conveniently located on “IKEA Way”  which ,of course, is a street that my GPS never heard of. We found it though after my wife screamed for the 11th time, “We’re lost. Why didn’t you wait for the sign to turn off the highway” and we got a spot in their covered IKEA parking lot and hoofed to the store, up the escalator and realized we needed to take their crash course/seminar, “How To Shop At IKEA”.

Lewis and Clark had it easier.

Where to begin.

Might I suggest guided tours with fun Swedish automatons that act up when you walk by…… like the 55 year old hippo on the jungle ride at DisneyLand which peeks out from underwater and opens its mouth as you float by on your river boat.

I think we started in the “Trash Can” section where IKEA wonderfully presents over 250,000 shapes and sizes of trash cans , all with Swedish names like “Vonschtuppen” and “Kishmeintuchas” which I believe are all Swedish curse words …..  and that they die laughing at IKEA when they think of a new one that they can fool us with us.

Kind of like what we used to do for a substitute teacher when she called the roll , “Dick Hertz. Who’s Dick Hertz”?

The Trash Can section took 4 hours to get through , but luckily for us ended at the IKEA Cafeteria or, as they call it in Sweden, Der Eatenmuchenmeataballs” where they serve delicious Swedish meatballs along with white air called mashed potatoes and Dingleberries, or some such red berry, that ‘der Svedes” ethnically enjoy as a spackle  type product; all  for $2.99, so that you are sustained for their AdventureLand trek once you leave the cafeteria……, the 11 mile long , “Swedish Night Light Department” or , should you turn right, the 370,000 product  “Swedish Desk Organizing department’.

Man, those swedes take desk organization seriously. That must be all they do.

I gotta tell you, this place was my Disneyland. There was so much cool stuff , so well organized, priced so right…..and they have  baskets filled with  yellow IKEA  bags so that you can haul all your stuff on your wife’s back as you make your way to the checkout line.

On top of all this, the Stoughton store has ‘water free urinals’ (TRUE) or in Swedish “derpisseninneinvater’, which saves an average of 40,000 gallons of fresh water per urinal each year. Bless them.

I’m thinking of vacationing next year in their “outdoor furniture ‘ department ……or in Swedish, ‘der heatstrokenland” and sitting in one of their ‘Hottengondefluppens” chairs; a name  which translates to “Think your fat ass will fit in here, Gringo”

Published in: on August 11, 2010 at 3:22 pm  Comments (1)  
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Signs of the times !

 

I used to smoke.

 I smoked for four  reasons

1. It’s healthy

2. It’s inexpensive

3. It’s convenient and

3. People respect you when you do it .

 

I don’t smoke anymore . God, I loved it, but it got too expensive and became a pain the ass , so I quit.  On that note, here in glorious Massachusetts ,

 it about $7.00 a pack. Divide that by the twenty cigarettes in that pack and its $. 35 cents a cancer stick.

 

That seems like a lot.

When I was younger , my dad smoked and he’d send me to the store to get him “Old Gold King Size  without Filters” ,

 

 an obviously healthy product. 

FYI,  he also liked them without legs.

He’d give me a quarter…..I’d run to the drug store, the pharmacist would , without hesitation, give me the pack and a nickel change

 …… and I’d get to keep the nickel as a reward for going to the store.

The problem was that I was 24 at the time.

 No, I was just a little tyke.

 BTW, that’s a penny per “Old Gold King Size wiithout filters…sans legs” . Cigarettes were an innocent enjoyment.

 Now they’re a bloody , fucking mess.

 Here in Massachusetts, cigarette vendors will soon have to show state -mandated signs showing  , in glorious color, cancerized, gory , dark bloody  lungs and varied other organs that show us all the medical horrors of smoking  with such slogans emblazoned on them:

 

 That’s appetizing since most of the stores that sell ciggies also sell food..ummm ummm good...and , don’t forget that they sell lottery tickets too. How come there’s there’s no  sign saying,

  “YOU HAVE A BETTER CHANCE OF

 BEING HIT BY THIS

THAN YOU DO AT WINNING THIS LOTTERY, SCHMUCK”

How dare they call me a schmuck!

I think in Canada and some other countries  they actually have these pictures on the packs themselves  so that every time you go to enjoy a smoke, you’re treated to a shot of Aunt Evelyn’s former tongue, now blackened with tumors. 

 

 Sure , quit smoking .

 But , since the state wants us to remain healthy and horrify us into doing it , lets keep in mind a few other items that they might want to warn us about…….

 

 For example, they also sell candy and snacks  at the same store. How about this for when your kid just has to have that Almond Joy or Twinkie:

SWEETS  CAUSE TOOTH DECAY.

 

STOP EATING CANDY TODAY OR EVEN GRANDMA WON’T KISS YOU !

 

or

ENJOY YOUR TWINKIE.

 

 SHE LIKES TWINKIES TOO.

 

Cocktail napkins currently can be quite cute

 

  which I betcha makes that 4th martini taste a lot better than this napkin might make it taste  :

 KEEP DRINKING AND

  

LIVER IT UP

 (BTW, for those you not medically oriented, the yellow thingie next to each liver is NOT a smiley face. That’s your pancreas which looks just like a smiley face. See how much happier your pancreas is when your liver is healthy.  

 or this

THIS IS THE OTHER GUY.

  THE BAD NEWS IS HIS CAR IS IN BETTER SHAPE THAN YOURS.

STOP DRINKING NOW .

Thank you , Big Brother , er Massachusetts, for the new anti-smoking signs.

  May I propose one last sign:

YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK

THINK BEFORE YOU PAY YOUR TAXES.

Water Water Everywhere, but not a drop to drink or “The Boston Water Crisis, part deaux”

Just a quick note to say that the great Boston Water Crisis , as written about in the post previous, was not a crisis at all.

Turns out that the water was safe all along.

Poland Spring and other companies want to thank the government and the media for the hype, the bullshit

and the profits.

No biggie here at Webeneezer’s.

We just boiled a large spaghetti pot full of water, refrigerated  it and boiled a second one ……and that got us through, though it was hard to fit in it to bathe …and afterwards, the water tasted funny .

I blame no one. The Government simply erred to the side of caution just as our first Homeland Security secretary Tom Ridge  did back in 2001 when his original  guideline for protecting your house against a terrorist attack post 9-11 was to encase it in heavy plastic sheeting with duct tape.

 Considering the quality of our latest terrorist, The Times Square Bomber,

this actually could have worked.

In this Massachusetts water ‘crisis’ , our up-for-re-election Governor, Deval Patrick , cancelled a trip to some big-time, Hi-Tech meeting in Chicago to stay back and handle the crisis which was not even a crisis, but, to be fair, he didn’t know that.

 I’ll never forget his stirring words to the agency in charge when he learned the main had split,

“Fix the fucking pipe”.

EASY TO SAY….HARD TO DO !!

The real kudos belong to three welders

whose names are Mark Hutchinson, Doug Glover and Bill Pierce who laid on their backs in a cramped , muddy, sopping wet, 20 foot deep hole  for 18 hours to actually do just what the people of the Commonwealth needed to get done, i.e., fix the damn thing. 

Funny, they got it done and they aren’t even politicians.

 

Good News for The Catholic Church, this time it’s females.

Earlier this year in  Chile,

Catholic priest, Father Ramon (aka ‘RamOn’)  Munoz Quinteros ,55,was suspended from his priestly duties when a motel security camera caught him going to a motel with a young girl whose services he was paying for.

When first caught in the room by a reporter , Father Quinteros said that he didn’t know  what the fuss was about as he was alone in the motel with his rosary. Then , asking the reporter if he was thirsty, he made his big mistake when he  screamed into the motel room bathroom, “Rosary, get the man a drink.” 

Now Chilean authorities have pressed charges against “RamOn”  claiming he abused girls  ages 16 to 18 as well as HIS OWN DAUGHTER, age 6. Turns out he was also producing child porn.

And now  those same  authorities are following the trail  to a diocesan cover up considering the diocese transferred “RamOn” from parish to parish.

Using tough love, the Chilean diocese also announced that “RamOn” will not be allowed to deliver the sacraments while he’s a prisoner.

 Talk about punishment!!!

Just like ‘RamOn’ himself with his little women, they’re on top of this one, as usual.

As Tom Lehrer once sang:

“Ave Maria

Gee, its good to see ya

Doin the Vatican Rag “

And far north of Chile ……in Nashua, New Hampshire, “William Ventura, 31, of 115 Middlesex St., Chelmsford, who is a priest at St. John the Evangelist Parish, North Chelmsford, Massachusetts was arrested Friday, April 9, along with seven other men at a local hotel after they agreed to pay for sex in response to a Craigslist ad placed by investigators, police said.( quote from Lawrence, MA Eagle Tribune, 4/14″)

  

  Upon hearing the news regarding his archdiocese, Boston’s Cardinal Sean O’Malley broke out the champagne and made  a public statement saying how happy he was that Father Willy … ” actually wanted to have sex with a woman, a welcome change from little boys, which proves once and for all that we aren’t a gang of perverts just because we wear dresses, purple shoes, and jerk off a lot”. 

Cardinal O’Malley continued ,

 Father Ventura won’t be able to (at this point O’Malley started to giggle uncontrollably) deliver (here he actually fell down laughing , tears in his eyes) the sacraments right now just like that freakin’ matters. Jesus H Christ, forgive me, I just can’t  (starts banging on the sidewalk with his palm, laughing hysterically) stop giggling. Does anyone have a Kleenex, this is too funny ? I guess he just wanted to free Willy”  (attempts to get up and then fell down again screaming laughing).

 Unable to continue due to his hysterical laughing fit, during which O’Malley started to flip communion wafers like Frisbees at the reporters,  a spokesman finished for him as the Cardinal was led away still doubled over from laughing, and the spokesman announced that ;

Father Ventura’s abstinence class in North Chelmsford has been cancelled for the foreseeable future” .

 In other news , Pope Bendadick’s comment yesterday “I vas just following orders” was officially rescinded.

Heroes of Hypocrisy

I love religion.

I love it’s hypocrisy in “de name of de Lawd” 

  

Use it to excuse anything.  

I have Jewish friends who are very religious and also very liberal….wouldn’t think of a woman as unequal under any circumstance, but one…..  their religion.

For example, at The Wailing Wall in Jerusalem  

, they’ll line up in separate lines at this holiest of shrines which is , fyi, a wall, because there are different sections of the wall available for each sex. I guess the women’s section ( which is much smaller) uses stone-like Contac paper over wallboard.

Don’t you dare discriminate against their daughters in this world though.

But I’m tellin’ ya’, if the Jewish religion is hypocritical, at best they’re The Chicago Cubs of hypocrisy.

The Catholics, believe me, are The Yankees. 

  

On the front page of today’s Boston Globe , there’s a big story about how Catholics rarely go to confession anymore. Yes, here in the epicenter of the American child abuse cases, good olde Bahhhstahhn, …

 ( BTW,  we’re good, but we don’t hold a candle to Ireland)

….The Archdiocese is making a big effort to get their flock to come back to the confessional.

  .     

  YEP, THEY WANT YOU TO CONFESS!

Why that’s just like The Reverend Ted Haggard telling you not to be gay.

See, in the same front section of today’s Boston Globe ,

 they have this article

 “POPE’S BROTHER KNEW OF BEATINGS”.

  Seems that Pope Bendadick’s bro, German Reverend Georg Ratzinger ( Man, were their parents fucked up or what?) once said he was unaware of physical and sexual abuse at Catholic-run schools all over Germany,  particularly at the famous boys choir that he led, The “Regensburger Domspatzen Choir” where, it turns out, sexual and physical abuse was common.

Oopsies , turns out that he was aware .

.

 FYI, for those of you who do not speak German as well as I do , “Regensburger Domspatzen” translates to, ” Let me stick mein franfurter up your tuchas, mein leibschkin, and don’t tell Mommy ,

Just yesterday he said that the boys would open up to him but he ” did not have the feeling that he should do anything about it.”

And who can blame him?

Wait, I know…..EVERYBODY!

So a big Mazeltov to Mr. and Mrs. Ratzinger

, their mom and dad, who  raised two great kids.

Remember their other boy is none other than Pope Bendadick himself and he (dressed in a new Easter bonnet, above) was the  person at The Vatican most responsible  for keeping the whole sordid mess a secret worldwide for all the years before they named him Pope. 

HE JUST COULDN’T CONFESS.

BROTHER GEORG COULDN’T CONFESS EITHER.

THEY WERE JUST FOLLOWING ORDERS, A FINE GERMAN TRAIT. 

BUT YOU SHOULD CONFESS.

 GO AHEAD.

 IT WON’T BE BAAAA’D AT ALL.

 

  

  

Mitt Mitt Bo Bit, Banana Fanna Fo Fit


Mitt Romney , my former Governor and fellow resident of Massachusetts offers “No Apology” in his new book which, coincidentally is entitled, “No Apology”.
 
The book title makes  sense  to me .
 How many lying , two-faced, self-serving  politicians do you know who have ever offered an apology for anything?
  
 
 And frankly , he can’t apologise for several reasons:
  
1  You’d need a 24 hour  “All Mitt/All The Time ” cable station to accomodate this . For example, after living in Massachusetts and raising his kids here, the first thing he said after serving  as our Governor , back when he started campaigning for Prez in South Carolina, “I’m glad to be out of Massachusetts and back in America!”
 
  
  
2. He’s changed his positions on things so many times he’d be apologising for both sides of the same issue.
 
 
 and he’ll give you the  answer you want!
 
For example, he’d have to apologise to the NRA’ers for lying about being a firm believer in gun rights as a life long hunter which he isn’t … while apologising to the non-NRA’ers for lying about being a hunter for his whole life which he said he was … in order to gain the votes of the NRA’ers … even though he only hunted twice in his life… the first time  for rabbit when he was a young lad
 
  
… and the second time for votes.
  
3. Then he’d have to apologise to two well-known avid hunters; Mr.  Fudd….and  Dick Cheney, who he shouldn’t have to apologise to since he is an arch -conservative too , oh wait, yes he should….. because Mitt  isn’t ,or at last wasn’t, since he ran for Governor of Massachusetts as a social  liberal all for reproductive rights which he is against now, sucking all the life out of the support he could get from the pro-choice people,much like the vacuum used for abortions, by being pro-choice when he needed it.
Then he went pro-life which he is now, i.e., today, til further notice.  
  
  
4. The  warrior prince also should apologise for never serving in the Armed Forces but happily sending others to defend America … and he should also  apologise to America’s armed forces for this statement when he was asked in 2008 , “Why, if you are backing the Iraq war, haven’t you encouraged your sons to serve?
 
 
Mitt’s heroic response, “They’re serving their country by helping me get elected president?”
  
Tell that to the soldiers on the IED disposal teams !
  
  
So by his standard, I’m  serving the country too … by writing this.
 
 
 
Don’t believe a word this ‘constantly re-inventing himself’, six-faced politico says ! He’s nothing but the rich son of a rich man with a chiseled jaw who wears magic underwear and has too much time on his hands.
.
  
And if he asks me to apologise;
Sorry, Slick Willard, NO APOLOGY .
 

More explosive than Boston Baked Beans

  Liquid Natural Gas (LNG) is very explosive  and it arrives regularly into Boston by sailing past the entire city in giant tankers, directly over the Ted Williams Tunnel, then over the Sumner and Callahan tunnels, under The Tobin Bridge,

 finally arriving into port where it is off -loaded.  

  Mayor Menino here has always believed that it’s a bit too dangerous and believes they should offload it on some island offshore, like The Azores.

 

 BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE…

the tankers that bring the LNG to Boston will now be loaded with the explosive cargo in YEMEN !

 

  Yeah ,man.  Tell ’em what they’ve won, Johnny Gilbert!

 

Yes it’s  Yemen, a Moslem ‘country’ with no government  to speak of , currently being used by Al Quaida in The Arabian Peninsula as a base, a place  whose population is pretty much in the 14th century and is fucking nuts.

Yes, its a friendly  sophisticated modern ‘country’ loaded with America-lovers. 

    Oh, I could ‘drone’ on about it,

but I’ll leave that to the US Air Force.

  Yemeni’s are also very  familiar with American boats since they blew up the USS Cole in their only harbor … at their capitol of Sha Na Na.

oops, that’s Sana’a…

and now they can do to Boston what they did to the Cole.

YEEE-HAAA.

So let’s see…..

1 terrorist stow-away

1 match

1 matchbook

1 tanker full of LNG

________________________

Goodbye downtown Boston. Hello 71 Virgins.

Yeah, man

This makes sense.

I think it’s been approved by the current administration because Massachusetts just elected a Republican to the Senate, Scott Brown, and the Dems want to get even!

   

On 1/19/…Webeneezer’s Poem

On Election Day , heres to Scott Brown….. Running for Senate , he ain’t no clown…. his wife’s a TV reporter ….Making more than she ought’r ….and he’s suddenly  the toast of the town.

He’s very charismatic….he knew election wasn’t automatic…..he actually went out and around…… while his opponent Martha Coakley ….. thought the seat was not revokely .. ..Cause it was Teddy’s, who lies in the ground.

Everybody thinks here in Massachusetts we’re a Democratic state but we’re the folks who gave you Mitt Romney, or as he’s known in ‘Batman’….”Two Face.

Remember ?

He’s the guy who is from Massachusetts, was our governor, lives in Belmont , MA where he raised his family, still lives there, became our ex-guv and first thing he said as he campaigned in the south, “I’m glad to be out of Massachusetts and back in America”. May his Mormon balls shrivel under his magic undies like his campaign did.

Surprise.! The last almost twenty years of governors have been Republicans here. And our current gov, one Deval Patrick (his name is actually Eval, the D stands for Democrat) faces a real battle for -re-election. Patrick was the test run for Obama, a fine , articulate, professional in every way and an  African American. We endured “Together we Can” long before David Axelrod  shared it with the world as  “Yes we can”.

Brown says he’s an independent Republican. I was undecided until almost the end, but when “The National Organization for Marraige”  called me on his behalf, I decided to hold my  nose and vote for  his opponent , Martha Coakley today.

Independent Republican……Obviously , ‘he’s an oxy-MORON.

Published in: on January 19, 2010 at 12:59 pm  Leave a Comment  
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