Jurassic Salmon

In Waltham , Massachusetts, nicknamed “The Watch City” because it’s major industry when it had industry  was “watch and timepiece manufacturing”, there’s a company called  “AQUA BOUNTY”, not to be mixed up with Aqua Velva, though in the end, their products may taste alike

 


Aqua Bounty has genetically engineered a gigantic salmon nicknamed,” Frankenfish”  ….. and it is causing an uproar because it just ate downtown Waltham.


 No ,it didn’t.  I’m just joshin’ you.

“Frank” was just approved by the FDA which declared that the  fish was safe to eat.
 
Interesting because ‘Frank’ , the giant salmon that ate Waltham, was declared safe to eat as a drug, not as a food…as it was The FDA’s Veterinary Medicine Advisory Committee that oversaw the hearings. 

In other words, ,enjoy it with a delicious glass of Frontline.
 

‘Frank’, in all fairness, answers several needs ; the most important being  that it allows us to never run out of salmon … which is important for my bagel.
 
 
 It should be noted that all things change over time.
 
For example,  bagel manufacturers  now use a machine to make the hole as opposed to using a well hung moyel; another modern improvement on an “ages old” tradition.

Now they’re changing the fish!
 
The giant salmon , we’re told, are bred to be sterile, but a certain percentage are not …  which means if they ever get loose they’ll eat all the other fish , and then probably turn against us, create pens for us, and start serving us in “Salmon Only” restaurants as ‘Human Almondine’.

And how fucking embarassing will it be to go swimming and be eaten by a giant salmon.
 

Not to worry, they’ll fuck this up somewhere along the line,  even though I honestly believe Aqua Bounty has no intention of doing that. 
 
They call it “Chaos Theory”
 
Remember that the scientist played by  Richard Attenbourough in “Jurassic Park” only bred females too, ahem

 

Well, at least  he got a three movie deal with Spielberg.

“The Matrix” meets “Greece 2”: Stock Market Movie Update

Welcome to

The Matrix

where reality doesn’t actually exist.

 Just last Friday  gloom and doom  filled the air as the stock market lost 200 million  points, then gained 600 billion points , then lost 300 trillion points and then wound up almost losing one point , but then the other team was given a “technical” by the referree

 ………and the stock market took a shot at the buzzer and made it……but what a “roller coaster ride” it was

 ………and now , two days later, after at least 35 minutes of monetary stress on the world’s economy,  today’s stock market news was “A Rebound on Wall Street” as investors took heart  that the EU and IMF are  going to loan $960 Billion to debt -ridden nations.

 Maybe it’s me, but how is this good news?

 Didn’t we just learn that when you loan money to people who can’t pay it back, that’s whats called “Bad News “.

 

 Actually this international monetary thingie isn’t going to be as bad because   when its done,  we’ll all own Greece, as opposed to a 5 bedroom , unsellable McMansion in Cape Coral, Florida.

   

Greece, btw,  is a lovely country and I guess whenever we visit from now on we’ll all get free Gyros and Kabobs as a thank you.

     

 In other good monetary news for all of us , the bankers who brokered the deal all got their bonuses this morning …. based on the fact that they loaned the $960 Billion to people who can’t pay it back. Said World Banking Chief, Henry Potter,

   “Jesus H Christ, if we don’t take the bonuses now, we’ll never get them. “

 Wait. I know.

 It’s all BULLSHIT…..

… because you and me and 3 billion other energy suppliers are simply unborn energy sources hanging in fetal bags on many levels , being tended by machines in a future society of international monetary experts all playing a giant game of MATRIX Monopoly and they’re just  making everything up while we generate energy for them.

 

Well, if thats the case, they could be nice and put Penelope Cruz in the bag next to me so we could, at least, hold hands.

 FYI, according to my wife (bag # 27485hfy78894h0-2),  I’m the bag that generates the most gas, and every year about this time ‘they’ always give me extra feta cheese on my salad…. and , come to think of it, I think that may be the reason why they bailed out Greece right about now.

Bag # 27485hfy78894h0-2 is not happy about it at all.

 

 So, its a good day for both Wall Street and , as you can plainly see,  all of us now that some phantoms somewhere just  loaned like a trillion bucks to countries who can’t pay it back.

 Might I suggest you make yourself equally happy….. and each of you loan me a couple of grand so that you too can 

“Take Heart in a solid investment”   

The Oscars

 

I fell asleep at 10 pm during the Oscar telecast .

It was right after they announced, as they went out for a commercial break, “Coming up next, Best Supporting Actress” which didn’t come up next….. which ticked me off. So  I waited until they announced that Ms. Mo’Nique’ won. I  saw her touching speech and then turned off the TV.

  It’s not my party, so I’ll leave when I want to.

Here’s the skinny on The OSC’s, as I call the one half of the show which I watched.

 The only thing I saw on the Red Carpet segment was Sarah Jessica Parker who looked like a dessicated banana in the ugliest outfit I ever saw in my life.

 Sandra Bullock , I found out this morning, won for  “The Blind Side”.  I saw  her in the audience and noted that she was wearing far too much lipstick … which seems to be the trend these days, ever since Heath Ledger took last years’ Oscar for playing ‘The Joker’  that way. It seems to work and, after  taking stock of the ‘lipstick quotient’, my prediction of her victory was accurate. .

 

 Cameron Diaz, a presenter, used  enough lipstick to cover Jude Law who was supposed to be  standing next to her to present the Oscar for something or other, but he cancelled due to , I believe,  a lipstick allergy …..  and so Steve Carrel stood in for him.  

But they forgot to change the teleprompter so Ms. Diaz called him, “Jude”.

 

Easy mistake, note the resemblance. 

Hmm,  I may have to re-evaluate my undying love for her.

OK, I re-evaluated. Never mind!

FYI, she’s a terrific actress…don’t believe me , watch her again in  “Being John Malkovich”

 

 

Mo’Nique  ( the actress, not the cosmetics line. That’s Cli’nique) won as Best Supporting Actress for “Precious, based on the novel Push by Sapphire after a conversation with Ruby following a discussion with Opal  at a meeting with other gemstones”) .Didn’t see that yet . I have to finish reading the title first.

Black actors and actresses are ‘crankin’.  In a repeat of history, they could do to Hollywood  what they’ve done to The NBA,i.e.,  take it away from the little Jewish guys who first played in it. 

Speaking of removing Jews, Kristoph Waltz won for his role as Colonel Landa, the Nazi,   for “Inglorious Basterds”, which was my favorite movie of last year. 

  He was great.  Watch him fill the fountain pen at the beginning of the movie. Watch his motions, listen to his voice and you’ll know why he won.

 SO MUCH FOR THE OSC’S. NOW FOR THE ‘AR’S, the continuation of the telecast which they run for some reason even after I fall asleep.

 Jeff Bridges (as I knew he would, no need to stay up ) , aka, the Small ‘Lebowski’ aka ‘The Dude” , won for “Crazy Heart”. Haven’t seen it yet. But The Dude can do no wrong in my book…..ever !

 I am  happy that “The Hurt Locker”, a great film won and I am also glad that Kathryn  Bigelow , its director, deservedly won.

 Ms. Bigelow, the first woman to win “Best Director”  was given her award by Barbra Steisand, also a female director.  But wait, they have no idea who is going to win ???? What a coincidence.  

I will see all of these movies,  I promise . But I have learned that I can wait. Sometimes as long as sixty years; old films and great ones  from Netflix or TCM come to me all the time. Thank you both.

These days, except for a rare few like “Alice in Wonderland” yesterday in 3D to which I took my great niece and nephew, ages 12 and 7,

 I sit in my La-Z-Boy like the ancient emperors of old and wait for the movies to come to me and my high-def TV, my sound system and my less than $6.00 small popcorn.  

Here I am on my Red Carpet