Dangerous Driving

Being a New Englander, I never drive in Portsmouth, New Hampshire because, as one enters the beautiful city from the west on Route 33 which is a winding street , there’s a sign that says “Blind Drive”.

  

   I know they’re liberal on the seacoast, but that’s  carrying equality for the “sight challenged populace” a bit too far. It’s too liberal and dangerous for me.

 Three thousand miles across the ocean,

  

 the French seem to feel  the same way as a young Islamic woman, driving in the medieval city of Nantes , was given a ticket for driving with her veil on, covering her entire face. She got ticketed for not having a ‘clear field of vision when driving”, a $28.00 fine.

Considering that France is debating whether to ban the veil nationally, this case is a 

   “Cest cest bon, how do you say, a big foo-king deal”

  The woman has been driving nine years with her veil on and she feels that an injustice was done. Her lawyer, in a surprising move i.e.,  being correct for a change, has decided to sue the city.

  

I can capitalize on this  as it might be just the right time to unveil, so to speak,  my invention; perfect for just such an unjust occasion …

THE  “IN CAR” VEIL CLAPPER

 

   “Veil On! clap clap, Veil off!  clap clap.

THE CLAPPER “

  so when a Moslem lady  sees a gendarme walk towards the car , she simply claps her hands and le conversation goes like this:

   

“Madame , Pardon e’mois. Were youu  le wear-innng a veilllll”

“No, it must have been le someone  else”

 AND   IN OTHER NEWS

…..  in our very own desert, the great state of Arizona

  

   has just passed a law that all people must carry ‘proof of citizenship” because if a police officer feels that you may be in this country illegally, you have to prove to ‘ der Gestapo’ that you belong here in the good ol’ USA.

  

  “Papers Please”

  This could be a real problem , not only for people of Latino descent, to whom it is obviously aimed, but other ethnic groups as well.

 

For example, on  Friday , the first “illegal”  sent back was Dr. Schlomo Goldstein, Chief of Neurosurgery at Phoenix General Hospital whose family imigrated to the United States  in 1903 from Russia.

    Yesterday he was living  in a 8 bedroom golf course mansion ,

driving either his Bentley or a Cadillac Escalade  around Scottsdale , with a swimming pool, tennis court, indoor gym and enjoying life with a lovely wife and  three over-achieving kids.

 Today, after being stopped by a Phoenix cop,  

 

he is back in the shtetl in Ukraine  selling fresh milk door to door in Anatevka,  because he couldn’t prove his citzenship.

 That’ll teach him and the ‘rest a them’ ethnic bastards where they really belong. 

George Mason??? He made a ‘mint’ !

Down at Virginia’s George Mason University, 

young men (students no less)  stole the condoms, dental dams and sexual lubricants from the free basket o’condoms at the student health center.

 

 .

 

They took every last condom and every last dental dam leaving just one bottle of lubricant, at the request of a kid who had walked in during the crime. His name was ‘Red’ Ruffensor and they felt that he needed it more than they did. 

 

 

I’m frankly surprised that they give out condoms at GMU because it’s founding namesake , the original George Mason,  had 12 children…

.

and  he was a founding “Father”

  

Wait, this isn’t funny. It’s crime, dammit, a CRIME!

 

 For those of you who don’t know it,

dental dams are used to practice safe cunnilingus

 

 

and for those of you who don’t know what that is,

it has something to do with the national airline of Ireland….

 

 

 

Regarding the sexual lubricants , these thieves were certainly slippery as they pretended, for the benefit of the receptionist, to have asked the head of the Student Health Center if they could take them all……and then pretended she said ‘OK’ .

 

 

 Now out of budget for condoms, they turned to the school’s Medieval History department to explain it to the students….who gaveeach student a copy of this famed Medieval tome to get them through the ordeal:

 

In days of olde

When knights were bolde

And rubbers weren’t invented.

They dropped their load upon the road

And walked away contented.
 

 But the question remains, “What are the thieves going to do with 200 condoms which,  fyi, were free anyway?”

  

  

 According to the campus police chief, Baron Arms, “The stash won’t last as long as you might think. One of the perps had five penises and though he  may look funny, his pants fit like a glove”

 

Not quitting his day job for comedy , the chief continued , ” The Student Health Center at GMU will probably purchase a condom dispensing machine called “Mr. Willy”.

  

 

Happy -go-lucky Mr. Willy  ( shown above) …or as I like to call him, “Mr. Wishful Thinking”  …. dispenses two condoms at a time.

 

While that currently is one too many for my needs on any given night week, month, I’ll keep that second one  in my wallet should  I pick up a nymphomaniac college cheerleader on my way home from work one night.

 

Considering that GMU is in Virginia,

the state named after Elizabeth, the VIRGIN Queen, 

 I think we need to look carefully at this  “200-condom -at- a time” sexual epidemic in Fairfax which, by no coincidence,  is  just minutes from Washington DC … 

which is where The White House is ……

 

…and that’s where Barack Obama lives.

 

Those damn Kenyans, advocating nothing but sex for our college students instead of studying …… so they become welfare dependent ……eventually becoming socialists like all of Europe and Canada ………. expecting national health care …… which in turn would give out free condoms ……. thus killing future babies.

 

 See, if you connect  the dots, it is plainly shown that

Obama stole the condoms.

 

Or it was the professor with a knife in the bedroom

 

But perhaps there’s a simpler way to solve the namesake -inspired,  ongoing sexual cravings at George Mason with this ancient cryptic message recently discovered by Dan Brown:

 

In days of old

when kids were bold

and it was hell they’re raisin’

The condom basket should be bigger

at a college called George Mason.

The Hairy Ape

  My house is broken into nightly .

The police refuse to investigate. 

  I swear that every night some old, grey-haired guy sneaks in and uses my hair brush and comb after I’m asleep … and then leaves the gray remains all over it. How else can you explain them on my brush? 

  They can’t be mine.

  Oh…wait, never mind. 

 

 HAIR……  Get ready , young’uns….as you age, you also evolve back into apedom. Hair is gonna start growing in places that was formerly reserved for the wild. It’s like suburbia.

  For example, last night as we started to ‘schnuggle’, my wife stopped me and said,

 “Shave your nose tomorrow. It’s bristly”.

    Bristly? I have a bristly nose??? What am I , a wild boar?????

  I’m now so disgusting that love-making has to stop so I can de-bristle. 

 What else might be ‘bristly’? 

 Here’s a hint….

    I hate Ear Hair.   

Why? I once worked with a guy who never shaved in or around his ears.

 It was like a forest in there and it wasn’t exactly virgin wood. 

It was , to coin a phrase, disgusting.  There was stuff hanging by his ear hairs that should have blown on by in the breeze .   

 I think his hair actually evolved into some sort of Venus Fly Trap

 

 capturing and keeping unsuspecting mosquitoes as they flew by.

    In the end, before he left to work on an African banana plantation,  I swear I even saw a teeny tiny Robin Hood in there

 

 ,chasing some of the tiny king’s itsy -bitsy venison;

 

    a chase which ended on a sad note as Maid Marion got stuck in a glob of his ear wax ….

 

 and the last I saw of the fair maiden was her looking at me screaming “Help meeeee” Hellllpppp meeee”.

   And please help me too. My ears are smooth inside and out BUT my wife is demanding more sex.

 I have to go de-bristle my nose !

 

 That’s my new sex aid above. It’s a real ‘turn-on’, ain’t it