The Ink is Black. The Page is White.


 I rented the old Amos and Andy show from TV via Netflix and watched Episodes 1 and 2 .

 In Episode 1, Kingfish (aka George Stevens)  is trying to marry off his mother in law so he arranges  a makeover for her at Madame Olga’s Salon.

 Madame Olga: Mr. Stevens,  you seem to think this will be a very tough job, why?

 Kingfish:(very slowly) Uhh, tell me dere, Madame Olga, has you ever seen a grapefruit dats been washed up on de beach and been layin’ dere for a week, all covered wif sand and seaweed and getting drier and more wrinked by de minute.

 Madame Olga: Yes I have.

Kingfish: Well, if you can makes her look dat good, I’d be most appreciative.

 

 In the other episode  , he ‘sells’ Andy to a company for a $200.00 employment agency fee  to dig ditches in Saudi Arabia and walks him onto  the ship……. trying to convince him that  its a cruise line:

 Andy : Tell me Kingfish , why they have all these shovels on board?

 Kingfish: Andy, you never been on a cruise ship befo , has you? They fo’ the deck game of  “shovelboard.”

 Please note the way I wrote it with the over-kill “Negro dialect” which is the exact way it was performed…which is what made it absolutely  despicable .

Which begs the question, how come I was screaming laughing the whole time.

Wait, I know, I’m  white,

Yep, just checked again…I’m still white.

Ahh, white people. 

It turns out that The  “Amos and Andy”  TV show was written by Bob Mosher and Joe Connolly , the same writing team that produced and wrote the ultimate white man’s show:

 Leave it to Beaver ,

 

 as well as

The Munsters, 

 

 Ichabod and Me, and other sicoms as well .

 They’re white.

 So were the originators on radio, Freeman Gosden and Charles Correll. 

 

 And, in their writing ,  I noticed this….interestingly,  the only perenially stereotyped characters were Kingfish, Andy, Lightning ( the “Steppin Fetchit’ type janitor) and the ‘pseudo’ lawyer, Algionquin J. Calhoun. Every other African American character including Amos was intelligent , well spoken , and usually professional. Go figure.

 The NAACP wanted the TV show  off the air. Who can blame them with all the eyeball-rolling etc ?  But when it left the air, it did take with it pretty much  all the acting jobs for blacks on TV until Diahann Carroll and Bill Cosby came along at least ten years later.

 So , why am I still laughing at it.

Lets take away the dialect and see if it’s still funny.

I may change a few things, btw…..:

Ralph  is trying to marry off his mother in law so he arranges  a makeover for her at Madame Olga’s Salon.

 Madame Olga: Mr. Kramden ,  you seem to think this will be a very tough job, why?

Norton: If I may, Ralphie boy. Tell me , Madame Olga, have you ever seen a grapefruit that’s  been washed up on the beach and been laying there for a week, all covered with sand and seaweed and getting drier and more wrinked by the  minute.

 Madame Olga: Yes I have

Norton: Well, if you can make his mother-in-law  look that good, that’d be terrific

 The other line: , Ralph sells Norton  to a company for a $200.00 employment fee  to dig ditches in Saudi Arabia and walks him onto  the ship……. trying to convince him that  its a cruise line:

 Norton : Tell me Ralphie Boy  , why do they have all these shovels on board?

 Ralph: Norton, haven’t you ever heard of ‘shovelboard.”

 Substitute The Racoons

 for The Mystic Knights of the Sea……and it’ll play forever.

The greatest parody of the whole genre is Spike Lee’s movie BAMBOOZLED which no one I know has seen, but me. It’s great,…and please watch the full end credit roll and prepare for your jaw to drop.

 

And in one of the oddest turns of events ever. the feature film of The Honeymooners featured an All Black cast as the headliners.

 What goes around……hmm dere, Andy…..comes around , indeed !!!

Perhaps the Joe Goebbels production of  The Producers with “Springtime for Churchill” as the foil, would be funny to you.

Well, then,  you’ve got some nerve, you  racist,bigoted, anti-semitic son of a bitch!.

Oh, next week, I’ll be watching Disc 2 of A & A.

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Soccer been very very good to Me

 Baseball this year, at least so far, holds little interest for me.

  It’s the never ending bullshit of all the ‘warming  up’ that drives me crazy. It’s like watching your dog pick the exact right place to take it’s dump in the yard 

  

 as every damn pitch needs never-ending, habitual crapola before the ball is actually thrown, 150 times a game. 

 Relief pitchers  are probably the only guys in the world whose wives are always ready before they are when they go out to dinner.

 Sexual foreplay must be an excrutiatingly long experience for their wives … as she wanted a lover with a slow hand, but not that slow.

 

And that’s not to mention every batter going through every habit in the world like clapping his hands, spitting into his batting glove, wiping his bat ,scratching his balls, taking 38 half swings, standing in, moving out, he’s not ready, he’s ready, he needs more time, now I’m ready, not quite yet.

Ok, now I’ll move on to the next thought…see my point!

  Just as Ed Norton drove Ralph Kramden nuts with his never ending ‘warm-ups’ to everything  ( “Will you come on!” screamed Ralph as he’d slap at him), I’ve had enough.

 

  It takes less time time for dinosaurs to evolve into birds than it does to throw a pitch. Boil baseball down to people moving and its about 9 minutes long.

 

So I’ve moved away from baseball to SOCCER, or “Football” as the rest of the world calls it, which is a game with a continuous clock, marvelous strategy on a large field with talented athletes from all over the world….and for some reason, even my wife likes it.

 For me , it’s the The English Premier League

I am hooked to it like “fish and chips” are to a British fisherman’s rod .

 For example, over this weekend,  in the last 10 seconds of added time to the 90 minutes that they already played , Manchester United

  

beat Manchester City (Think Mets / Yankees) 1-0 on a header by 36 year old Paul Scholes.

He’s so old to be playing that his head actually came off as he flicked his neck for the winning goal. The goalie for ‘City’ accidentally blocked the head… and let the ball roll in.

Find that in baseball !

England is a small country, yet there are four large divisions of professional teams, the premier league being the highest. You’d think there’d be nobody in the stands because, considering the number of teams, everybody in the country would have to be a player.

 

 But somehow even the tiny hollow of “Semen upon Sheets”, just outside the larger town of “Eggs over Easy” , manages to have a stadium and a team in Division 3 or 4 ……and fill the stands with people who actually sing songs in support of their team like

“I’m a football fan and I’m OK, I watch all night and I puke all day”

 Quite a game. Quite exciting. Quite.