A Penny for your Thoughts

“Out of the clear blue of the Western sky, it’s Sky King……..

And here are my thoughts, circa 1954 ……I’d like to get a peek up the cowgirl skirt of Sky King’s gorgeaus, blond,wide eyed , cowgirl niece, Penny, as played by GLORIA WINTERS, in the show about the flying, ‘modern day’ rancher “SKY KING” ( played by Kirby Grant) and his plane , “The Songbird” ( played by A. Cessna Aircraft).
Actually it was a Cessna 310 which, to this day,  is a model  nicknamed “The Songbird” by aviators.
Here’s “Penny”..ain’t she somethin’?
I am sad to announce , that well into her eighties , “Penny” died last week . She was not wearing her cowgirl skirt at the time. I understand that it was more of a ‘schmata’ housedress when she finally went to that great landing strip in the sky.
 Ms. Winters also was the first to play “Babs” , Rileys daughter, when The Life of Riley first came onto TV.. …….    when Riley was played by a very mis-cast Jackie Gleason.
The more famous and much much better  William Bendix “Riley” came later.

I just found out that Sky’s official first name was “Schuyler”, hence Penny always calling him “Uncle Sky”  meant more than just a referral to his adventures in the Western Wild Blue……Yonder, pardner
The only cowgirl worth her salt, looks-wise,  against pretty Penny was “Annie Oakley” as played by Gail Davis.
‘Penny’ remains one of the main reasons that I married a shickseh.
I’m still married to my land-bound “Penny”…..but times have changed.
Today, if Uncle Sky were buzzing the bad guys like he did on the fifties , he’d be sued for noise pollution and disturbing the cows, not to mention violating the civil rights of the baddies.
And , anyway, I don’t think the sky is so clear anymore plus my wife never wears her cowgirl outfit anymore either .

The Ink is Black. The Page is White.

 I rented the old Amos and Andy show from TV via Netflix and watched Episodes 1 and 2 .

 In Episode 1, Kingfish (aka George Stevens)  is trying to marry off his mother in law so he arranges  a makeover for her at Madame Olga’s Salon.

 Madame Olga: Mr. Stevens,  you seem to think this will be a very tough job, why?

 Kingfish:(very slowly) Uhh, tell me dere, Madame Olga, has you ever seen a grapefruit dats been washed up on de beach and been layin’ dere for a week, all covered wif sand and seaweed and getting drier and more wrinked by de minute.

 Madame Olga: Yes I have.

Kingfish: Well, if you can makes her look dat good, I’d be most appreciative.


 In the other episode  , he ‘sells’ Andy to a company for a $200.00 employment agency fee  to dig ditches in Saudi Arabia and walks him onto  the ship……. trying to convince him that  its a cruise line:

 Andy : Tell me Kingfish , why they have all these shovels on board?

 Kingfish: Andy, you never been on a cruise ship befo , has you? They fo’ the deck game of  “shovelboard.”

 Please note the way I wrote it with the over-kill “Negro dialect” which is the exact way it was performed…which is what made it absolutely  despicable .

Which begs the question, how come I was screaming laughing the whole time.

Wait, I know, I’m  white,

Yep, just checked again…I’m still white.

Ahh, white people. 

It turns out that The  “Amos and Andy”  TV show was written by Bob Mosher and Joe Connolly , the same writing team that produced and wrote the ultimate white man’s show:

 Leave it to Beaver ,


 as well as

The Munsters, 


 Ichabod and Me, and other sicoms as well .

 They’re white.

 So were the originators on radio, Freeman Gosden and Charles Correll. 


 And, in their writing ,  I noticed this….interestingly,  the only perenially stereotyped characters were Kingfish, Andy, Lightning ( the “Steppin Fetchit’ type janitor) and the ‘pseudo’ lawyer, Algionquin J. Calhoun. Every other African American character including Amos was intelligent , well spoken , and usually professional. Go figure.

 The NAACP wanted the TV show  off the air. Who can blame them with all the eyeball-rolling etc ?  But when it left the air, it did take with it pretty much  all the acting jobs for blacks on TV until Diahann Carroll and Bill Cosby came along at least ten years later.

 So , why am I still laughing at it.

Lets take away the dialect and see if it’s still funny.

I may change a few things, btw…..:

Ralph  is trying to marry off his mother in law so he arranges  a makeover for her at Madame Olga’s Salon.

 Madame Olga: Mr. Kramden ,  you seem to think this will be a very tough job, why?

Norton: If I may, Ralphie boy. Tell me , Madame Olga, have you ever seen a grapefruit that’s  been washed up on the beach and been laying there for a week, all covered with sand and seaweed and getting drier and more wrinked by the  minute.

 Madame Olga: Yes I have

Norton: Well, if you can make his mother-in-law  look that good, that’d be terrific

 The other line: , Ralph sells Norton  to a company for a $200.00 employment fee  to dig ditches in Saudi Arabia and walks him onto  the ship……. trying to convince him that  its a cruise line:

 Norton : Tell me Ralphie Boy  , why do they have all these shovels on board?

 Ralph: Norton, haven’t you ever heard of ‘shovelboard.”

 Substitute The Racoons

 for The Mystic Knights of the Sea……and it’ll play forever.

The greatest parody of the whole genre is Spike Lee’s movie BAMBOOZLED which no one I know has seen, but me. It’s great,…and please watch the full end credit roll and prepare for your jaw to drop.


And in one of the oddest turns of events ever. the feature film of The Honeymooners featured an All Black cast as the headliners.

 What goes around……hmm dere, Andy…..comes around , indeed !!!

Perhaps the Joe Goebbels production of  The Producers with “Springtime for Churchill” as the foil, would be funny to you.

Well, then,  you’ve got some nerve, you  racist,bigoted, anti-semitic son of a bitch!.

Oh, next week, I’ll be watching Disc 2 of A & A.

My “Bikini Area” and Yours

I saw an ad on TV for “The No No” which doesn’t have a damn thing to with ‘Nanette’. 

 Turns out that The No No ( which , as the instructions clearly state : In order to make it work, you must turn it ‘On On”)  is a device which removes hair painlessly, unlike a razor which removes hair painlessly.
Wait! Wait.
 I’m a sensitive male and I understand that  women  need hair removed from ‘sensitive’ areas where a blade might go unwanted.
In  the ad , this area was called , as spoken by a male announcer, the ‘bikini area”,  an area also known medically  in relation to hair  there ….by males other than the announcer as:
love rug.
Shag carpet
honey pot
Fuzzy Taco
Bearded Clam 
and other medical terms.
Ahh yes, the ‘bikini’ area. 
 Hey don’t be mad at me.
 It’s just pubic hair around the vagina , a vestigial growth to signal sexual maturity to other primates from when we were all living in trees and caves, as clearly shown below in an illustration from a recent Texas-approved  science textbook
and if the “No No” can stupidly name it  “The Bikini area” in the ad, I reserve the right to call the area whatever the hell I want to as well.
There used to be a product on the market, maybe it still is, called “Nair”
It’s a depillatory.
 You smear it on unwanted hair and it pulls the hair out about as gently as the Indians did with one’s scalp .
My mother used it back in the fifties…and then she used it on me.
My first  hairs of maturity were not in my “bikini area”, but, rather,  on my upper lip.
One night mymother decided to place Nair upon  said area to remove the offensive fuzz.
I was 11.
The old man was away.
She rubbed it in under  my nose and I found out one simple scientific fact…… Nair, to coin a phrase, stinks.
It stinks like a rotting corpse .
It stinks like lobster shells left out in the heat for a week.
It stinks like my gym locker in high school ….  times 10.
And while it stinks, it removes your hair by some bizarre chemical reaction that pulls each strand out with the maximum of pain, one by one. It’s inventor , Dr. Mengele, still demands royalties in Argentine pesos.
The old man eventually came home. 
He told my mother of an invention called the “razor .
It works, and I’ve used “the razor” ever since.
 But unlike women,  I never need to use it in my ‘bikini area’ as (Lucky Me)  my  ‘bikini area’  hair doesn’t stick out above my Speedo.
 That’s not me.
In my case,  
 my belly blocks it.

The DISCOVERY of Sarah Palin

In an odd juxtaposition of words, Sarah Palin had been hired by The Discovery Channel, so we can all learn from her. 
This is like hiring Iran’s president Achmadinejihad to officiate 
 at your Passover Seder at a cool million per matza board.
That’s right, one of the world’s damn dumbest broads,
a woman who goes to a a church where they speak in tongues……
a woman who believe that civilization is moving towards Armegeddon…..
a woman who is  the epic symbol of a person who knows nothing  about nuthin’  ….
a person who went to four or five colleges to get her Bachelors degree 
  is now the host of a new six-part documentary series  called “Sarah Palin’s Alaska”, so now we can all learn about Alaska.
Thank God, she ain’t from Kansas or the series
 would never end  as we’d all be
waiting for her to click her heels three times to get us home..
She’s getting a million bucks per episode.
And they say there’s a recession ??????
The Dicovery Channel news has also  announced that , for the first time ever, they will not be using tele-prompters for her narration, as the entire script will be written on her hand.
Regarding DISCOVERY’s other series 
 ‘LIFE’, narrated by Oprah Winfrey.
per Ms. Palin’s demands, Oprah’s show will be re-named
Yay,thanks to Ms Palin and Discovery , now we can all DISCOVER stuff like
1.whether we’ll all be able to see Russia from Alaska, so we can all be prepared when we’re attacked by them Godless Commies.
2. how to shoot a wolf ( or, as Palin likes to say if more than one,‘wolfs’… ) from the air AND
3. how to slaughter a turkey behind you while you’re wishing everyone “Happy Thanksgiving”
Thank you Discovery, but no thanks.
Don’t leave the light on for me.
 I won’t be back from today on. 
Man , how low can TV ‘entertainment’ go? 
 Oh, much, much lower……MUCH LOWER, I betcha !
WHAT A COINCIDENCE…..on Friday,” The Daily Beast has confirmed from two sources that the so-called White House gatecrashers,
 whose prank ultimately cost presidential Social Secretary Desiree Rogers her job, are poised to take center stage once again as the most visible members of the upcoming Bravo series The Real Housewives of D.C. After one of the most visible reality-TV series auditions in history—yes, Bravo cameras were on hand as the Salahis arrived for that ill-fated White House event—the couple has now been fully embraced as the focal point of the series, expected to premiere in July.”
 All I can say is

Dancing with the …Who??????

I am officially ‘out of the loop”.

If you too are out of the loop, please make me welcome to The Outlanders.

Once I was in the loop.

I was.

I was cool and hip.

I’m not anymore.

Perhaps you were  too … or maybe, like my friend Klotz, you never were.

Lets take a simple test to see if you are in the loop these days.

Example: There is a very popular show on TV called “Dancing with the Stars”.

I have never seen it and I have no interest in ever seeing it.

Not that I don’t like dancing (nobody can do “the Swim” or “The Frug” better than me)

, it’s the ‘Stars” part that makes this untenable to me.

Stars???? I looked at the list of the stars on this season’s shows of “Dancing with The Stars”

Who in hell are these people …..and who gives a damn if they can dance or not?

DO YOU KNOW ANY OF THESE EIGHT  “STARS”  BELOW?????   i.e., the ones who will show off their dancing prowess . Here’s the list , along with their descriptions from the ad,:

1. Aiden Turner, The Soap Stud

2. Erin Andrews, ESPN’s Broadcasting Beauty

3.Evan Lysacek, Figure Skating’s Golden Boy

4.Jake Pavelka, The Bachelor

5. Kate Gosselin, Reality’s Most Watched Mom

6. Nicole Sherzinger. The Pussycat Doll

7. Niecy Nash, Reno 911’s Funniest

8. Shannon Doherty, The Beverly Hills Bad Girl.

I am not saying they are un-talented,, though some of them have no discernible talent I can see. For example, Jake Pravelka….his talent is ______________.

But what I am saying that I never heard of one of them, except for Kate Gosselin, whose talent seems to be shooting kids out from her vagina…and unless she can actually hit a target when she does…well, that ain’t a talent!

I only know about her because I had to go to the dentist and he had  a People magazine in his waiting room …. and I learned that what America was really interested in was her divorce ( not a talent)  and that she has many, many children (again, not a talent) and I assume she lives in a shoe (maybe this qualifies her)

and didn’t know what to do, so she’s dancing on the show.

Other contestants that I  heard of are Buzz Aldrin, the astronaut, billed as “the original Moonwalker”, Chad Ochocinco, the NFL football player who named himself after his jersey number ( rumor has it that next year he is naming himself after his undershorts,changing his name to “Chad Fruit’d’Loom”)   and Pamela Anderson who has really big tits ( now there’s a talent ) and is billed on the ad as “The World’s Sexiest Woman .

Interesting reference to the ‘world’ in her description. Note her globes.

Anyway, these are the STARS ???? Stars? Man, either you don’t have to do much to be a star anymore or I better start watching something else besides ‘TV Land” .

Welcome , new  Outlanders.and Klotz, thanks for making me feel so welcome

Best and Worst of TV

  The very best show on TV began it’s third season Sunday night.

 At 10 pm on Sunday, season 3 of Breaking Bad began on AMC.

Breaking Bad is the best show on TV.  

Breaking Bad has the best acting on TV.

 If you watch TV and don’t watch this series , you deserve to be wearing a scarlet ‘S’ for  “Schmuck”… and don’t complain that “we have a hundred channels and there’s nothing but shit on any of them”.

 Breaking Bad

See full size image

makes the whole thing worthwhile.

Yeah, there are commercials.

 Just DVR it, like I do.

AMC is the basic cable station that also gives us Mad Men.

 It’s the place where great shows, usually and stupidly turned down by an increasingly snobby HBO, go to live and be rewarded . Absolutely great TV like Mad Men and Breaking Bad prosper there … while HBO execs gave us “John from  Cinncinnati“,  

 quite possibly the worst show ever on TV created by the normally excellent TV writer ,David Milch,  after mixing tequila, Crispy Cheeto’s, Ex-Lax and raw chicken into a chilled casserole one night. 

Yes, it was worse than ‘My Mother The Car’.


Speaking of TV and cars, there’s a new show coming onto The Travel Channel called

“America’s Worst Driver”.

 Ha Ha Ha. Done laughing yet….Maybe it’ll be a HIT…maybe they’ll hit you and take off your front end make Grandmom a paraplegic.

10 points for a pregnant nun.

That used to be a joke. Now it’s a TV show.


 Here’s the first paragraph from an article in todays’ Boston Globe, “Tricia Lambert drives in reverse on one way streets. Alyssa Carroll pays more attention to the radio than stop signs.Sheryl Faye lets everyone cut in front of her and LeeAnn McDonough never met a speed trap she didn’t like”.

 There are terrific prizes for the runners-up. The winner gets her car blown up and I’m sure plenty of money. The runners-up get new cars.

 Prizes for bad , dangerous, distracted driving in real life for the sake of comedy. Keep it up. How about America’s Best Drunk Driver.  At least , that rewards “The Best” and isn’t “The Best” what America stands for!

Read your Roman history, gang……you remember Rome…at one time, they were an empire and ruled the world with a civilization that worked.

One of the last signs of the Fall of Rome ,

 “Italy’s Worst Chariot Driver”.

The ‘LOST’ Weekend


I bought a ROKU video streaming device which streams my Netflix list to my TV instantly.


 A friend of mine then gave me heroin and I shot myself up and I can’t stop.

 Well, it wasn’t exactly heroin.

 Somebody told me to start watching LOST which I had never seen since I hate network TV commercials.

 and now I can’t stop! I can’t stop , I tell ya.


 How did it start. Yeah, the way it always starts. It was a dark and stormy night and it was easy at the beginning . Easy, I tell ya. Seemed like a fun thing for me and the wife to do.

 We stupidly watched Episode 1, season 1…then we decided not to feed the dog and take her out so we could watch episode 2, season 1 the same night.


Three nights later the dog died from dehydration.

 My wife has become crazed with LOST . Here’s her ‘remote control’ arm since we started :

She gets the shakes at work now around 4 pm. She then tries to sneak out,  on the floor early, past her bosse’s office, sometimes in her own vomit, all in the hopes of getting home early,  so we can watch two episodes rather than one.  

We have forsaken friends and family .


Who cares. Sometimes the self centered bastards talk when we’re trying to watch.

Now they leave when I ask them to.

One of my sons is moving to San Diego.


He came over to say goodbye since we won’t see him for a few months. But he just couldn’t say “goodbye” and simply leave. No way.  He had the nerve to come over when we were watching an episode.

 Seeing him arrive , we quickly flushed  the remote and our set of hunting knives down the toilet..


 But , of course, the selfish youngster wanted to linger… in some kind of bizarre long goodbye. Mom started to get the sweats and finally she had enough of his overlong visit..


 But even with all that , we’re only up to Episode 16, with 9 to go in Season 1. My wife has a business trip next week. She grabbed my gun and demanded that I give her  the ROKU to take with her.


Finally I was able to explain to her that the episodes weren’t physically inside the ROKU, but I did tell her that I would NOT watch any episodes  until she returned. I’d save the good stuff to share with her. Yeah………………right.

I’m startin’ to shake already and my mouth…its so dry!

It’s Friday. She leaves Monday!

Published in: on March 12, 2010 at 8:28 am  Comments (1)  
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LOST in my Netflix ROKU

We  purchased a ROKU box and amazingly I  was  able to hook the thing up to our TV using much less duct tape than I originally figured.
For those of you still wallowing about in the past, like 2009, a ROKU , fyi,
allows it’s owner (me) to stream anything from their Netflix list that is listed as ‘instant” or ‘play’ directly to one’s TV instantly,
This is me since I got it four days ago .
I haven’t blinked since!
When I ordered it, ‘they’ said that the instructions for hook up were  easy to follow. That’s true … if you speak Korean and can interpret the illustrations of MC Escher.
For example, the page  that was titled
 “How to hook your ROKU to your TV”
 showed how to place the wires into the ROKU. 
 Since the Roku had exactly 3 clearly marked color-coordinated holes and  3 color-coordinated wires, that was very easy.
 It then showed a picture of a TV screen which represented “my TV” and the 3 wires literally  dangling in front of the screen. That was it.
Now, where did I put that duct tape?????
That instruction page  should have been titled
“Inserting your 3 color coordinated wires into the back of your ROKU where there are exactly 3-count  ’em – 3 color coordinated holes. You’re on your own with the TV part. Good ruck”.
I had to go to Radio Shack to figure out how to hook it to the TV 
and while I was gone, I left my wife
 in complete charge of things in the TV room until my safe return.
I came back with ‘hookup instructions’ and further supplies 
and  after much de-tangling, I triumphantly hit the ON button”. 
The lights went out in the dining room  and two of my neighbor’s toilets flushed for no reason. A tsunami warning warned Hawaii of impending doom and six planes bound for Dubai were never heard from again.
Re-configuring everything with duct tape, I tried  again.
This time the garage door went up, then down, then up, then …..
 , but third time’s a charm and I was able to fix the door with the duct tape….and
The Roku worked
 and we inaugarated it by watching Episode 1, Season 1 of
 which we  had never seen….. right off the streamed DVD  and now I have TV access to a zillion old movies plus a zillion old TV shows  instantly which I will never watch ….. BECAUSE I have to watch every episode of LOST first ,as I try to figure out the metaphysical question of the series……
How come nobody on the plane brought duct tape?
This could be a long haul !
Published in: on March 2, 2010 at 7:57 am  Leave a Comment  
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COMmie-CAST phone, internet and TV

and  in this case, we’re also watching Big Brother since COMCAST ,which now wants to own NBC , currently totally controls  Webeneezer’s communications to the outside world .

It’s like Russia in 1963. There ain’t a lot of choice.

Which is probably why Ben Stein is their spokesperson.

He’s anti-choice …. and he doesn’t even believe in evolution. That’s re-assuring from my Internet provider, and odd considering they’re obviously descended from monkeys.

 I called Comcast when my phone, Internet and TV went off suddenly and customer service took over. In the period of time it took them to to get here to fix it,  George Bush’s older boy George W served two terms as president and , dig this, a Black guy was elected president ( of the US, no less) after  Bush Jr left office.  And the Saints are in the Super Bowl . Remember you heard it here first.


  My problem started when I dared anger the Comcast Gods…..

… by asking them to remove my premium channels, but leave phone and Internet alone.

So they shut off my phone and Internet …………..  and left the premium channels on my TV.

But oddly on my TV , during this time, all three (Starz, Sowtime and HBO) were playing the same movie over and over again entitled ,“Want your preemie stations back now, Webeneezer”.

Now thats scary!

Supposedly, its all fixed now after their third visit to the house ….. and there shouldn’t be any more troub

Published in: on January 24, 2010 at 6:46 pm  Leave a Comment  
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