How We Spent Our Wedding Anniversary: I now pronounce you man and COMCAST

The first three hours of our glorious celebration post wake-up on August 7 were spent  trying to correct a problem  with COMCAST which , as you’ll soon learn, wrote it’s customer service policy manual using “The Gulag Archipelago” as it basis.
Our COMCAST home network is  no longer  connecting to this computer. So we called.
We were on the phone with COMCAST Customer Service agent #1   ….. ( to whom we gave our cell phone number should we be cut off ….. for about 35 minutes.,,,before we got cut off ……. and , of course, he never called back.
So we called again and got “Customer Service Agent #2 ” who had no notes of any conversation with “Customer Service agent #1” and who also wrote down our cell number , just in case. He took a completely different tack to the problem and it started to look like it might be fixed …until we got cut off  ( I assume he was texted that his pizza was ready) and he never returned either.
We called a third time. Try to guess what happened. Wrong !!!!
This guy  ( or as I like to call him, “COMCAST Customer Service agent # 3”) , after 30 minutes of varied and sundry ideas including  ‘hanging garlic around our neck to chase away the evil spirits” , connected us to NETGEAR  who manufactures  the router.
 “Brett’ of Netgear …or maybe it was Nett of Bretgear … ,was conveniently located in India, ancestral  home of The Slurpee. 
Forty minutes later, he decided he couldn’t fix it and that the whole mess was Comcast’s fault,  BUT he could not transfer us back because…well, who the fuck knows why.
So we called Comcast yet again and got “Customer Service Agent #4” who actually had a brain. When we asked why the others never called back, he started to giggle and told us why:
1. A month or so ago , the COMCAST police decided that too many agents were making illicit outside calls which took them away , Comrades, from “der duties of der state”.
  So COMCAST flicked one of their many switches  and turned off their ability to make outbound phone calls. In other words, they decided to punish  the customers. by taking away the ability for them to call you back once you get off . 
They have some nerve.
What business do they think they’re in anyway ?? ……….  healthcare  !
2. The other reason is even more amazing. The guy told us that the instant a call is dropped, a new one automatically begins …. so even if they wanted to call back, they can’t because they are already talking to the next person who will soon be cut off too.
Oh sure, I’ll threaten to cancel my service and go to Verizon. Great idea. And I bet you think Republican’s are different from Democrats too.
Yeah, that’ll work because the exact same thing is happening at Verizon and all of those unhappy Verizon-ites are  switching to COMCAST at the exact same time.
I figured it out. 
At the cable  commisariat , I mean headquarters,  Vice Presidents  are sitting there at large control desks cutting off calls …. and then laughing diabolically when they do.
 Then they switch baseball caps from ones that say COMCAST  X-FINITY to one that says VERIZON FIOS and wait for your business. Same guy, different hat .
That was 9 am to noon on our anniversary, but things got better as the next entry ……a little later in the week …… will attest to.
Published in: on August 8, 2010 at 10:02 am  Comments (1)  
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Lost VeriZons

There’s an old joke:

How do you cure a Jewish nymphomaniac?

Answer: Marry her.

 In other words, be careful what you wish for ! 

Here’s another old one , from Groucho Marx,

  “I’d never join any group that would have me as a member!”

 And here’s a newer joke:

 How do you become  a Verizon “Elite” customer ?

Answer: Don’t become a customer of Verizon!


In a miracle comparable only to The Red Sea parting,

our current phone, cable  and Internet provider , Comcast, actually came through as I stuck with them while my phone and Internet went off  8 x  over 21 days and after 7 – count ’em – 7 service calls, they amazingly  fixed it … and  gave us  a very heavily discounted month for our troubles , just as they should have, complete with the direct phone numbers of their advanced customer service agents should troubles start again. God bless Kim!.

 But since we were never sure that they could fix it,  we had also called verizon,

 their competitor, and arranged a full installation ( phone, Internet, cable)  for March 1.

 But Comcast fixed it for good so far and so  , just yesterday, we called Verizon and cancelled the installation with an agent who I am sure looked just like this


 BUT THEN….. like magic  we were immediately switched from that agent to  an ‘Elite customer’service agent who I’m sure looked like this …

and who sweetly asked ,  “Since you are an “elite customer” , what can we do to get your business?”.

 Well, since they asked, we suggested a course of action that was ,ahem, favorable to us…and they said they’d get back to us.

But,  here’s the dilemma…I’m not a Verizon customer and I know that the instant that I become a customer of Verizon , I will immediately lose my ELITE  status as a Verizon customer because I would then be a Verizon customer  ……. and frankly, I have come to enjoy my ELITE customer status because I’m not one.


 Verizon trucks which used to whiz by now stop and ask if I need anything at the grocery store. The other day a technician showed up unexpectedly and asked if we needed any jars opened .  A few others offered to walk the dog and if it snows tomorrow, they promised to come shovel. We already have our invite to the Verizon July 4th picnic and they’re going to drive us over and take us back in the bucket on their bucket truck.


 I like being an ELITE customer.

Good customer service is so rare.

Too bad they don’t use it on the customers.

Published in: on February 23, 2010 at 8:22 am  Comments (3)  
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