My Kidney Stone Diary

 

10 am Monday

Something I ate….could be  the raw horse intestines, is making me feel like I am about to give birth to a baby walrus….or a full grown one. 

Whatever it is , its indigestible  even by my low standards. 

Regards

CrampMa Moses

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 11am

just figured out its another kidney stone that’s making me so happy today so I just took a Vicodin and that’ll be that until it passes. 

 My second kidney stone  in my lifetime , if I’m correct, and they are really fun. You should try it…… but it only manifests itself as pain and the vicodin takes care of that. 

 Hopefully I won’t miss my square dance club this afternoon. 

Anyways, I’m tough…..MOMMY !!!!! 

Nah, I’ll be fine … my tinkler is trying to pee but just dribbling…..other symptoms include …..I feel like somebody put a running dentists drill into my side then went off to choir practice ,  I can no longer speak Chechnyan plus I see dead people. 

 But I figure it could be worse. I could be married to Michelle Bachman

.In even worse news, the only place I feel good , in any position, is sitting at my desk. Standing and lying down hurts. Sitting upright (odd position) seems fine.

  I just also put in a call to my urologist whose name, so help me, is’ Wong’  and the call went through even though its the Wong number …………………..and I am waiting to hear back from them so they can tell me:

1. drink lots of cranberry  juice

2. call us when you pass the stone

3. until then take the vicodin

4. that’ll be $350.00

In the meantime, I should lose some weight since the thought if ingesting food currently repels me….and just like that ( snap fingers) there goes the farm economy 

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 3pm

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  Dr Wong’s office just called ( Solly, Wong Number”) and scheduled an apponitment for Weds at 2 pm saying that “ its no emergency, but if the pain gets excrutuiating ( for Jewish men , that’s anything above a splinter) come over here during business hours or go to the ER if after hours and  we’ll er uh, well,  I don’t know what in hell we’ll do but we’ll do something, but obviously since you’re not screaming like a maniac like your toes were just amputated by a power mower  , you’re Ok so Weds seems fine and keep drinking juice  and taking Vicodin and if you get the chills ( I immediately got the chills) , take Tylenol. “

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The Boston Globe

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 KIDNEY UPDATE 3 PM

A moving van just pulled up outside and the kidney stone greeted it which I assume indicates that the stone is moving…while Cranberry farmers await the next juice order 

I have checked my never ending tinkles and so far I see neither hide nor hair of the little munchkin which I hope to sight drifting like a raft of calcium on a sea of pee-pee dingle juice, as the unlicensed Dr Wong likes to call it.

 In other news, Vicodin works . God bless Latino street corner pharma…job well done.  Right now I’m feeling pretty damn good  and heading down the basement to work with my power tools and finally start the large wooden power boat I look forward to building and then maybe take down the large Oak tree on the lawn with the chain saw.  

Regards

Noarm

 KIDNEY UPDATE 5:30 PM 

I suffer in silence.

 While others may feel the need to share their heartbreaking stories of dis-comfort , I choose to suffer stoicly thinking about how such pain is just part of the human condition  and how easy it is to cut the cat in half with a chain saw when using Vicodin.

 So once again, I’ll postpone the wooden boat project and the good news is that Super Glue works and I don’t think CJ will even notice the cat thingie.

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Published in: on November 9, 2010 at 8:53 am  Comments (1)  
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