My Kidney Stone Diary

 

10 am Monday

Something I ate….could be  the raw horse intestines, is making me feel like I am about to give birth to a baby walrus….or a full grown one. 

Whatever it is , its indigestible  even by my low standards. 

Regards

CrampMa Moses

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 11am

just figured out its another kidney stone that’s making me so happy today so I just took a Vicodin and that’ll be that until it passes. 

 My second kidney stone  in my lifetime , if I’m correct, and they are really fun. You should try it…… but it only manifests itself as pain and the vicodin takes care of that. 

 Hopefully I won’t miss my square dance club this afternoon. 

Anyways, I’m tough…..MOMMY !!!!! 

Nah, I’ll be fine … my tinkler is trying to pee but just dribbling…..other symptoms include …..I feel like somebody put a running dentists drill into my side then went off to choir practice ,  I can no longer speak Chechnyan plus I see dead people. 

 But I figure it could be worse. I could be married to Michelle Bachman

.In even worse news, the only place I feel good , in any position, is sitting at my desk. Standing and lying down hurts. Sitting upright (odd position) seems fine.

  I just also put in a call to my urologist whose name, so help me, is’ Wong’  and the call went through even though its the Wong number …………………..and I am waiting to hear back from them so they can tell me:

1. drink lots of cranberry  juice

2. call us when you pass the stone

3. until then take the vicodin

4. that’ll be $350.00

In the meantime, I should lose some weight since the thought if ingesting food currently repels me….and just like that ( snap fingers) there goes the farm economy 

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 3pm

Thank you for signing up for minute by minute updates:

  Dr Wong’s office just called ( Solly, Wong Number”) and scheduled an apponitment for Weds at 2 pm saying that “ its no emergency, but if the pain gets excrutuiating ( for Jewish men , that’s anything above a splinter) come over here during business hours or go to the ER if after hours and  we’ll er uh, well,  I don’t know what in hell we’ll do but we’ll do something, but obviously since you’re not screaming like a maniac like your toes were just amputated by a power mower  , you’re Ok so Weds seems fine and keep drinking juice  and taking Vicodin and if you get the chills ( I immediately got the chills) , take Tylenol. “

 We thank you for your subscription

The Boston Globe

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 KIDNEY UPDATE 3 PM

A moving van just pulled up outside and the kidney stone greeted it which I assume indicates that the stone is moving…while Cranberry farmers await the next juice order 

I have checked my never ending tinkles and so far I see neither hide nor hair of the little munchkin which I hope to sight drifting like a raft of calcium on a sea of pee-pee dingle juice, as the unlicensed Dr Wong likes to call it.

 In other news, Vicodin works . God bless Latino street corner pharma…job well done.  Right now I’m feeling pretty damn good  and heading down the basement to work with my power tools and finally start the large wooden power boat I look forward to building and then maybe take down the large Oak tree on the lawn with the chain saw.  

Regards

Noarm

 KIDNEY UPDATE 5:30 PM 

I suffer in silence.

 While others may feel the need to share their heartbreaking stories of dis-comfort , I choose to suffer stoicly thinking about how such pain is just part of the human condition  and how easy it is to cut the cat in half with a chain saw when using Vicodin.

 So once again, I’ll postpone the wooden boat project and the good news is that Super Glue works and I don’t think CJ will even notice the cat thingie.

Republican nuts….literally

Back in 1981, right after Ronald Reagan got shot by that nutbag, John Hinckley

    

  ,  the president was wheeled into surgery to remove the bullet.  He famously joked with the surgeon, just before the anesthesia started,

” Gee, I hope you’re all Republicans”.

And the surgeon replied , “No politics here, Mr. President” and the lights went out and the prez had his surgery and he got well .

 Wow, times have changed……which brings us to the story of Urologist, Dr. Jack Cassell of Mount Dora , Flori-DUH

 

who hung up a sign  at his urology practice door stating that  he’d rather not treat a patient who either

 a) voted for Obama or

 b) supports the new healthcare plan.

Let me be blunt .

 I think you’d have to be nuts to put your nuts in this guy’s hands.

 And I’m an independent.  

 Please keep in mind that deep-thinking Dr. Cassell has chosen a career path of spending his days with testicles, vaginas, urinary tracts, kidneys, pee-pee …..and pricks ….. which segues beautifully into the  fact that he hung up the sign. 

 I guess hanging around with enough dicks all day can turn you into one.  

If he’s a douchebag !!!!….

it’s not surprising since that’s a vagina oriented product too, part of his specialty.

 Since when does politics have anything to do with the practice of clinical medicine … unless you’re Dr. Mengele? What does he care what a patients political leanings are? That’s why we have a secret ballot in this country.

Why would it even come up? 

So  I can only imagine the conversation as he’s juggling your ‘kaputchniks’,

 “So tell me, Irv, you didn’t vote for Obama, did you?

 He said that he would not refuse care to anyone , but methinks he would save his best work for working with, if I may,  Republican pricks and nuts …. and lucky for him, there is no shortage of them.

 No, not these. 

    

I refer to these….. 

    

literally the more than active, family-values oriented , well-publicised wieners of Larry (Wide Stance) Craig, Ted ( 100% heterosexual) Haggard and Dr. Cassell’s fellow Floridian, Mark (Where the Boys Are) Foley . 

 And, in an odd coincidence of place and politics, I can almost guarantee to you that none of those 3 formerly high-powered R’s ever plan to ‘mount Dora’, if you catch my drift..wink wink.

 

WARNING: Should swelling occur in your privates and you happen to be in Mt. Dora, keep in mind that the good doctor doesn’t treat ‘blue balls: , blue being the color of the Democrats  

 But do note that, in an odd mix of clinical medicine and politics, he will happily treat any testicular redness, ( red being the color of the ‘Pub’s) particularly after reading this medical textbook below,

which coincidentally is the only urology textbook approved  by the arch-conservative Texas School Book Commission.

Base on BALLS

 The lead story in yesterday’s Boston Globe sports section was about Red Sox third baseman Adrian Beltre’s cujones…and I don’t mean his manly courage.

 

 Literally ,I’m talking about his , er, uh, love apples.

 (For the sake of the more ‘genteel’ folks among us , I will try to use varied  medical terms to describe this area, like   ‘NUTSICLES’ or ‘TESTIBALLS’) .

 Seems that MR. BELTRE DOES NOT WEAR A CUP !

Obviously this is well known, since I know it and I don’t even know the guy.

Why no cup? Because , per Mr. Beltre, he has only been hit there once in 11 1/2 years and even though his ‘testinuts’ grew to the ‘size of a grapefruit’

 after the line drive hit him there…. and btw, came out through his anus…..  he’s willing to take the risk for ‘freedom of movement’ .

 Oooooo……………..kay!

 

Using top flight investigative journalism techniques,  I was able to uncover the real reason why he mainstains this stance ( wobbly as it may sometimes be) …  and it is not because he hopes one day to sing with The Viennna Boys Choir.

 Sadly, and it is a sad tale, twelve long years ago, he simply misunderstood the trainer and, in a money saving move at the beginning of his poorly paid, minor -league career, made his own ‘jock with a cup’  using the teacup shown below

and some string to tie it on.  

When a 60,000 mph line drive hit him in his ballsicles, it shattered the cup, sending shards everywhere, blinding his shortstop in one eye, spilling hot tea all over his upper thigh  and driving the handle of the cup ,well,  through his side, giving new meaning to the words, ‘love handles’.

 Well, he ain’t stupid. He learned a lesson… and he doesn’t wear a cup anymore.

KIDS, IN THE INTEREST OF GOOD SPORTMANSHIP

 AND SPORTS SAFETY YOU NEED TO KNOW THAT JOCKSTRAP TECHNOLOGY HAS CHANGED FOR THE BETTER OVER THE PAST 12 YEARS.

This is what a jock with a cup looks like today.

 and to prove that you’d still have range of movement even when wearing one, I personally am modeling it below

.

 For your information, this is a jock without a cup .

That’s Mr Beltre. and I put these sordid photos in here only to help young athletes understand  the full impact, so to speak, of what could happen (AS SHOWN BELOW)  if they get hit in their “kaputnicks’ with a major league line drive. 

  (photo source, National Urological Journal of Testicular Recycling, February 2010)

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