Base on BALLS

 The lead story in yesterday’s Boston Globe sports section was about Red Sox third baseman Adrian Beltre’s cujones…and I don’t mean his manly courage.

 

 Literally ,I’m talking about his , er, uh, love apples.

 (For the sake of the more ‘genteel’ folks among us , I will try to use varied  medical terms to describe this area, like   ‘NUTSICLES’ or ‘TESTIBALLS’) .

 Seems that MR. BELTRE DOES NOT WEAR A CUP !

Obviously this is well known, since I know it and I don’t even know the guy.

Why no cup? Because , per Mr. Beltre, he has only been hit there once in 11 1/2 years and even though his ‘testinuts’ grew to the ‘size of a grapefruit’

 after the line drive hit him there…. and btw, came out through his anus…..  he’s willing to take the risk for ‘freedom of movement’ .

 Oooooo……………..kay!

 

Using top flight investigative journalism techniques,  I was able to uncover the real reason why he mainstains this stance ( wobbly as it may sometimes be) …  and it is not because he hopes one day to sing with The Viennna Boys Choir.

 Sadly, and it is a sad tale, twelve long years ago, he simply misunderstood the trainer and, in a money saving move at the beginning of his poorly paid, minor -league career, made his own ‘jock with a cup’  using the teacup shown below

and some string to tie it on.  

When a 60,000 mph line drive hit him in his ballsicles, it shattered the cup, sending shards everywhere, blinding his shortstop in one eye, spilling hot tea all over his upper thigh  and driving the handle of the cup ,well,  through his side, giving new meaning to the words, ‘love handles’.

 Well, he ain’t stupid. He learned a lesson… and he doesn’t wear a cup anymore.

KIDS, IN THE INTEREST OF GOOD SPORTMANSHIP

 AND SPORTS SAFETY YOU NEED TO KNOW THAT JOCKSTRAP TECHNOLOGY HAS CHANGED FOR THE BETTER OVER THE PAST 12 YEARS.

This is what a jock with a cup looks like today.

 and to prove that you’d still have range of movement even when wearing one, I personally am modeling it below

.

 For your information, this is a jock without a cup .

That’s Mr Beltre. and I put these sordid photos in here only to help young athletes understand  the full impact, so to speak, of what could happen (AS SHOWN BELOW)  if they get hit in their “kaputnicks’ with a major league line drive. 

  (photo source, National Urological Journal of Testicular Recycling, February 2010)

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